Let me say, it’s not easy for any parent, no matter your age. I was 19 when I gave birth to my son. He’ll be 17 in two weeks and he thinks he knows it all. I know. I know. That just teenagers. This is just......different. I have literally known nothing but a life of motherhood and caregiving for the last 17 years. Not only have I been raising him alone, but I also took care of my mother before she passed and I’ve been caring for my father for almost 13 years now. This week has been a roller coaster and I now know that I’ve failed the one and only job I actually thought I was good at. Motherhood. Now I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I no longer have a reason to be here.
Let me explain. I have always been open and honest with my son about my life, past and present. I have always encouraged a communicative lifestyle between he and I. I have spoiled him rotten because I always knew that he would be my only child. I wanted him to have more than I did growing up. I have allowed him to do many things that most people would never even think about allowing. But I failed where it mattered most. I failed to discipline him. I failed in letting him know what his limits really were. I have failed motherhood with a big fat F circled in red. It has recently come back to bite me in the ass. Now I don’t know what to do with him or myself. Motherhood really is all I have known for the last 17 years. I haven’t worked in over 13 years outside of the home because I spent that time caring for my mother and now my father. That also allowed me to be there 24/7 with and for my son as he was growing up. Recent events have lead to major arguments and sides being picked and of course he chooses the side of his girlfriend. This doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that he has become downright disrespectful to me, to the point where I told him that maybe he needed to pack his things and go stay with his father for a while. This is a man that my son has never had a consistent or solid relationship with but I have hit the point where I just want to quit. I don’t want to be a parent anymore.
Don’t get me wrong. I knew that being a parent was going to be hard. I knew it would have its ups and downs. I knew there would be arguments and hugs. I knew there would come a day when there would be trouble as well, because my son is exactly like me. I, however, never dreamed that he would be worse than I was at that age. I’m at a loss because motherhood was the one thing that I thought I was doing right in life and now it turns out that I couldn’t even do that right! The things that he has said to me recently, I honestly don’t think I will ever get over. He has broken my heart worse than any other person has in my life and I never thought I would see the day when that would happen. Yes, I anticipated disappointments but this is so much more. This is actual heartbreak that I am feeling. I don’t know what to do honestly. Maybe someone else has all the answers, and if you do I applaud you. Perhaps you could share some of them with me. It’s not cheating. After all, what’s the saying? “It takes a village.” For the time being, I suppose I will take it one day at a time and see where we end up.
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