1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-8255. This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Like many others, I didn’t know this until that damn song came out. I was confused as to why Shazam kept popping up with a phone number for a song until I looked it up and listened to the words of the song. It got it's point across though.

Those who contact these hotlines and speak out about wanting to commit suicide usually do so in hopes someone will stop them. Please note that I said, USUALLY. They still have a spark of hope left in them. I didn’t. Or at least I thought I didn’t. Let me back up and tell you my story…

I spent 6 years, 4 months and 3 days in a very toxic relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. I don't blame him for everything though. I won't play the victim here. I bare my portion of the responsibility.

Whether he’ll ever see this, I don’t know, but I do want him to know that I take responsibility for my faults. Technically I was in an "open relationship" with another man when this guy and I began seeing each other. He moved in immediately after that relationship ended and that guy moved out. I know I didn’t make living here easy. It was my house. Things had a certain place and were done a certain way. I budged on a lot of stuff though. I spent countless dollars keeping him out of major jail time and other troubles and helping him get his license back. When he didn’t want to work, sure I pressed the issue, but I made it easy. I supported him. I let him drive one vehicle until it was beyond repair. I let him drive mine and even got a loan for another one so we would both have means of transportation. I essentially gave him the means to go where he wanted, when he wanted, and with who he wanted. I funded it. Sure I fussed and we argued but oh man did he know how to twist and manipulate things until I felt guilty and he still got his way. I was scared to walk away for fear of being alone. During all of this, I was also raising a child who has a very selfish and difficult biological father as well as taking care of my own father who is in a wheelchair and has aphasia from a stroke. My life had become others' property. It was no longer my own. Everything I did was for someone else, always. I didn’t really have many friends and those who did stick by me only had one bit of advice, "dump the jerk and move on." I wasn’t ready even though I knew deep down that it was probably for the best.

By the end of our relationship and the REASON it ended, I had it my head by this point that everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn’t seek out help. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I literally laid in bed one night and wrote my suicide note in my head. I was going to do it the next morning after my boyfriend took my son to school and left to do whatever he was doing (which was most likely cheating). That same night when I finally fell into what felt like a restless sleep, I had a dream that I had done it but I guess my soul was still there because I could see myself like I was looking down on myself from above. I watched my son come home from school and find my lifeless body and I saw his reaction. It was literally like something from a movie. His life fast forwarded quickly throughout my dream and I saw him growing up without me and always wondering why I chose to abandon him. The next morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t do what I had been doing this whole time anymore. I made the decision to let go of the guy that I was dating and thought I had been in love with for six years when in reality we hadn’t been in love for quite some time. The day that I told him to leave, it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I literally instantly felt so much better.

When I first heard that song and actually listened to the words and realized what was going on in the song I became incredibly curious. I used my Shazam app to find out the title of the song and I initially thought that a phone number couldn’t be right but then I looked it up and sure enough it was the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and it made so much sense. The words of the song made so much more sense now. I could relate to it, every single word, because in the beginning I wanted to die, I felt like I had no other choices left. But then after having that dream and realizing what it would do to my son, I wanted to live if not for anyone else, even myself, at least for him. Since I broke up with my ex, my entire world has changed. I get along better with the people in my life who stuck by me even though I tried to push them away.

So for many, this is merely a song made famous by an artist but for others it really is a step up and a lifeline for many who need it.

I know I did.

helicopter parents

So I have this small problem where I'll sit down to read one of these crazy articles that's shared through Facebook and I won't move for two days! You know what I'm talking about. Those shares that are titled something like "20 people who share the worst thing they've said to someone," or something along those lines.

The most recent one I was going through was titled "22 teachers reveal the worst cases of helicopter parents they ever had to deal with." Let me just say, there are some CRAZY people in this world! Don't get me wrong, I have contacted my sons teachers when I had concerns about his behavior, grades, absences that I know weren't him skipping because he was home with me, etc. However, I don't think I've ever come across as a helicopter parent. I have genuine concerns and as far as making contact, I would literally gather up all the things I'd been meaning to talk to his teacher(s) about and maybe contact them once a month with my concerns unless it was something that had to be handled immediately. My kid is actually a pretty good kid, but he's lazy so obviously grades are our number one issue. I've never been one of those parents however, to blame the teacher for my child getting bad grades. If he got a 70 then he most likely deserved it because he was too lazy to put forth any effort on the assignment. My concerns are usually things like, "how is this going to affect his final grade" or "I see a few zeroes for days he was absent so did he not pick up the makeup work or what's going on?" Things like that…

Reading the things that teachers had to say however, actually concerned me quite a bit. We are now living in a generation of brats who think they're entitled to anything and everything they want, that they are special, and the worst part is, their parents who were definitely raised in a different time and manner, are supporting their attitudes! I don't get it! Why would you allow your child to think that way? You're only crippling them! No one disciplines their children anymore. No one holds them accountable for their actions, or in some cases, lack of actions. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I was raised to be responsible for my actions. I expect the same from my son. He's 15-years-old and he knows that if he screws up there will be consequences. I refuse to raise him in a fashion that would only cause him certain failure in his adult life. One day there won't be anyone there to pick up his messes, get him out of trouble and basically be his backbone and shoulder. At some point he will have to do it alone. He knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, drive and perform CPR as well as minor bandaging and nursing care due to my taking care of two ailing parents since my son was 4 years old. Yes, he's lazy in school and no I don't demand straight A's but I do demand he pass and by his school standards that's a 60. He knows I expect more of him than that. I demand at least 80's and while he could work harder, he does meet those expectations. I help him with his homework when he needs it but I refuse to do it for him. Again, I am not a perfect parent and my parents weren't perfect either, but they didn't raise me to believe the world owed me a damn thing and that's exactly how I'm raising my son.

Please, if you value your own future, stop raising and stop helping to raise, a world of self-entitled brats who think someone will always be there to coddle them!

I am an asshole

So, it was brought to my attention today that I am a soulless and heartless asshole. Well ok, that's one opinion. Maybe I am in some areas. Maybe I am when I've been there and can see situations for what they are. However, just because I don't share your opinion, that does not qualify me as an asshole. That means I am a person with my own thoughts and I express them, same as you.

I have been through a LOT in my almost 35 years on earth, most of which has occurred in the last 15 years alone. I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive household until I was a teenager and one day it just stopped. I feel like both of my parents just quit caring. I of course followed the path and ended up in several mentally and emotionally abusive relationships myself. I managed to avoid the physically abusive aspects, plus they've all known I would kill them if they laid a hand on me in a physical fashion. I would love to blame the men for the pain I suffered. The truth is, I have to start by looking in the mirror. I kept picking those guys. I kept getting into relationships with the same type of men and I chose to stay the duration I did with each of them. They didn’t force me. No one did. I accept responsibility for what.

At what point do we become accountable for our own actions? When we’re teenagers and most certainly know right from wrong, or at least should? Is it when we turn 18 and are legally considered adults? At 18 a whole new world opens up. We can vote, join the military, get married without parental permission, get tattoos, and a slew of other things.

I was called an asshole today because I called a 19 year old out on her choice to marry a man who already made her feel like shit from the moment they began dating. Long story short, this man is 8 years older than she is, and when they began dating, while she was 17, he was still hooked on and basically stalking his most recent ex-girlfriend. He would tell his new girlfriend all about her and how his ex did certain things better than she, as well as how much more attractive she was than the current. Straying from my adulthood point earlier, yes, I realize that she was only 17 but whoopty doo. Unless she was raised in a bubble, which she stated she was not, she knew that there was something wrong with his behavior and she chose to marry him anyway. Then she got on a Facebook group and proceeded to ask everyone what she should do about it. So I told her the truth, either speak to him and let him know how she feels, or leave before it gets worse. If it hasn't changed in two years, it certainly won't now that they are married. I was then bashed by hundreds of people telling me I was soulless and heartless, bashing a child like that. A child???? Who legally married someone without needing parental consent? Call me an asshole if you will for not agreeing with the majority, but she's no longer a child, wasn't raised in a bubble, and made the decision to get married, on her own, to a man who treated her like garbage from day 1.

I guess today I'll be an asshole. Oh well!