Addiction
starts with a choice...a choice to do something, or try something that
eventually causes ones brain and body to crave it and need it forever. No
one ever knocks an addiction. It's something one will carry with them their
entire life. It's something they'll spend their entire life battling and trying
to overcome. Quitting their addiction merely makes them a recovering addict,
but an addict none-the-less.
I'm an addict,
or rather a recovering addict. I would love to be able to say I'm a former
addict, as in, I quit my addiction(s) more than say...10 years ago, but that's
not the case. The fact that I also still think about how great I felt when I
was using my drug of choice, I feel I'm still recovering. It took me a long
time to gain the courage to admit I was addicted and it took even longer for me
to accept it, change it, and be able to discuss it.
The first time
that I tried something that's considered addictive, and would prove to be
addictive to me later in life, I was 18. The feeling was amazing! The highs
were so high! But oh man, the lows were even lower. Coming down was even worse.
I quit cold turkey though, and I actually had no cravings. I found other things
to occupy my time with and I didn't really want it anymore. Years, many years
later, I found myself feeling trapped in my everyday life. I never went
anywhere anymore. I didn't really have many friends to talk to and if I did
want to hang out with people, they would never come here because it was always
too far to drive (even though I always went to their houses). I was just
lonely, even with my son, father and boyfriend at home. I just wanted to be
free and happy again. I practically became an adult and a mother at the same
time and so I grew up faster than most. I missed out on a lot in my younger
years or so that's how I felt. I began remembering the fun times, the high
times, always being up for extended periods of time. I wanted that back. I
thought to myself that if I knocked the habit at 18 for all these years, then I
could do it again easily once I got my life back where I wanted it. It started
slow, as in every other weekend when I needed a perk. Then it became every
weekend. Then going without it just felt impossible. When I finally slept, I
woke up feeling like crap and wishing I was dead. It would take days for me to
recover and be able to breathe again properly. It was seriously taking
a toll on me. I was neglecting my child and not doing anything around the
house. I would literally stay in bed all the time, either wide awake from
drugs, or tired from coming down or sick because I'd go on week long benders. I
lost some weight because I didn't want to eat. I threw up every time I finished
a bender and I would get to a point where I'd say I need to stop and chill for
the rest of the night or day but then I'd have some left and continue doing it
until it was all gone and I was mad because it was gone.
So, I made a
choice again. I chose to quit. I did so without help from anyone. I can't say
it's been easy. It will get easier but I'm sure I will always have those
cravings. I will always desire those highs but I will always remember those
lows. When I start craving it and am tempted to score some, I think about the
times I felt like crap and the damage I did to my nose. That outweighs the
highs by a long shot.
I think my
reason for writing this post now is because in recent weeks, a lot has happened
that has made me want to turn back to the drugs, badly. I crave them more now
than I did when I was "detoxing." However, I felt like putting that
into something positive, such as getting my story out there, it would help me
remember why I quit and why I want to stay clean. I hope it helps someone else
too.
This also
leads up to my next post, about being bipolar and what the drugs did for me…
