Today I had an epiphany.
I have always been an advocate for the whole “your childhood doesn’t determine who you are, because even if it sucks, you can use that and come out as a better adult.”
My epiphany today is that I am a total hypocrite. I have been in several relationships over the last 10 years that have always been mentally and emotionally abusive. I have let men treat me however they want to and get away with it because I felt like I was doing the right thing by staying and trying to make it work and trying to make them happy. I don’t necessarily want to blame my parents for this because yes, I could’ve come out stronger and walked away every time when things got bad, but these are the types of relationships that I was conditioned for as a child. My parents never got divorced, even if they definitely should have. For years, I watched my father physically abuse my mother until one day that just stopped. However, he was always mentally and emotionally abusive and that never really stopped until she got sick and then passed away. He would get angry and throw things. He would degrade her for not making a better dinner. I can't count how many times I cleaned food out of carpet. Mashed potatoes and rice were the worst!
My mom stayed though, because of us, her children. I haven’t had any children with the men that I have been in relationships with but I do have a son by someone I was having a sexual relationship with and I think that I always tried hard to make it work in my other relationships so that he would have a father figure around. But what have I taught him really? He’s 15 and soon he’ll be on his own, but he’s already dating and I worry. A lot. He tells me that he’s fine and that me being with these men has just made him realize what kind of man he doesn’t want to ever grow up to be but in reality, will he turn out to be the same type of man? Will he put a woman down even when she’s trying? Will he lie to her constantly so that he can go do what he wants to do? Will she sit at home feeling reassured that he’s not out doing something stupid when in actuality he really is? Will he break a woman to the point of losing her, or worse, she loses herself? I worry about the same things with women doing this to him, but I worry more that as much as he wants to distance himself from this type of behavior, that he'll turn out just like them. I always said I would never grow up to be like my mom, as we all do at some point, but I am turning into her. I'm already like her in so many ways. This isn't always a bad thing as my mother was an amazing woman, but I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve because I feel like I can't do it on my own. Staying single is definitely helping with that!
