1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-8255. This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Like many others, I didn’t know this until that damn song came out. I was confused as to why Shazam kept popping up with a phone number for a song until I looked it up and listened to the words of the song. It got it's point across though.

Those who contact these hotlines and speak out about wanting to commit suicide usually do so in hopes someone will stop them. Please note that I said, USUALLY. They still have a spark of hope left in them. I didn’t. Or at least I thought I didn’t. Let me back up and tell you my story…

I spent 6 years, 4 months and 3 days in a very toxic relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. I don't blame him for everything though. I won't play the victim here. I bare my portion of the responsibility.

Whether he’ll ever see this, I don’t know, but I do want him to know that I take responsibility for my faults. Technically I was in an "open relationship" with another man when this guy and I began seeing each other. He moved in immediately after that relationship ended and that guy moved out. I know I didn’t make living here easy. It was my house. Things had a certain place and were done a certain way. I budged on a lot of stuff though. I spent countless dollars keeping him out of major jail time and other troubles and helping him get his license back. When he didn’t want to work, sure I pressed the issue, but I made it easy. I supported him. I let him drive one vehicle until it was beyond repair. I let him drive mine and even got a loan for another one so we would both have means of transportation. I essentially gave him the means to go where he wanted, when he wanted, and with who he wanted. I funded it. Sure I fussed and we argued but oh man did he know how to twist and manipulate things until I felt guilty and he still got his way. I was scared to walk away for fear of being alone. During all of this, I was also raising a child who has a very selfish and difficult biological father as well as taking care of my own father who is in a wheelchair and has aphasia from a stroke. My life had become others' property. It was no longer my own. Everything I did was for someone else, always. I didn’t really have many friends and those who did stick by me only had one bit of advice, "dump the jerk and move on." I wasn’t ready even though I knew deep down that it was probably for the best.

By the end of our relationship and the REASON it ended, I had it my head by this point that everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn’t seek out help. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I literally laid in bed one night and wrote my suicide note in my head. I was going to do it the next morning after my boyfriend took my son to school and left to do whatever he was doing (which was most likely cheating). That same night when I finally fell into what felt like a restless sleep, I had a dream that I had done it but I guess my soul was still there because I could see myself like I was looking down on myself from above. I watched my son come home from school and find my lifeless body and I saw his reaction. It was literally like something from a movie. His life fast forwarded quickly throughout my dream and I saw him growing up without me and always wondering why I chose to abandon him. The next morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t do what I had been doing this whole time anymore. I made the decision to let go of the guy that I was dating and thought I had been in love with for six years when in reality we hadn’t been in love for quite some time. The day that I told him to leave, it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I literally instantly felt so much better.

When I first heard that song and actually listened to the words and realized what was going on in the song I became incredibly curious. I used my Shazam app to find out the title of the song and I initially thought that a phone number couldn’t be right but then I looked it up and sure enough it was the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and it made so much sense. The words of the song made so much more sense now. I could relate to it, every single word, because in the beginning I wanted to die, I felt like I had no other choices left. But then after having that dream and realizing what it would do to my son, I wanted to live if not for anyone else, even myself, at least for him. Since I broke up with my ex, my entire world has changed. I get along better with the people in my life who stuck by me even though I tried to push them away.

So for many, this is merely a song made famous by an artist but for others it really is a step up and a lifeline for many who need it.

I know I did.

helicopter parents

So I have this small problem where I'll sit down to read one of these crazy articles that's shared through Facebook and I won't move for two days! You know what I'm talking about. Those shares that are titled something like "20 people who share the worst thing they've said to someone," or something along those lines.

The most recent one I was going through was titled "22 teachers reveal the worst cases of helicopter parents they ever had to deal with." Let me just say, there are some CRAZY people in this world! Don't get me wrong, I have contacted my sons teachers when I had concerns about his behavior, grades, absences that I know weren't him skipping because he was home with me, etc. However, I don't think I've ever come across as a helicopter parent. I have genuine concerns and as far as making contact, I would literally gather up all the things I'd been meaning to talk to his teacher(s) about and maybe contact them once a month with my concerns unless it was something that had to be handled immediately. My kid is actually a pretty good kid, but he's lazy so obviously grades are our number one issue. I've never been one of those parents however, to blame the teacher for my child getting bad grades. If he got a 70 then he most likely deserved it because he was too lazy to put forth any effort on the assignment. My concerns are usually things like, "how is this going to affect his final grade" or "I see a few zeroes for days he was absent so did he not pick up the makeup work or what's going on?" Things like that…

Reading the things that teachers had to say however, actually concerned me quite a bit. We are now living in a generation of brats who think they're entitled to anything and everything they want, that they are special, and the worst part is, their parents who were definitely raised in a different time and manner, are supporting their attitudes! I don't get it! Why would you allow your child to think that way? You're only crippling them! No one disciplines their children anymore. No one holds them accountable for their actions, or in some cases, lack of actions. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I was raised to be responsible for my actions. I expect the same from my son. He's 15-years-old and he knows that if he screws up there will be consequences. I refuse to raise him in a fashion that would only cause him certain failure in his adult life. One day there won't be anyone there to pick up his messes, get him out of trouble and basically be his backbone and shoulder. At some point he will have to do it alone. He knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, drive and perform CPR as well as minor bandaging and nursing care due to my taking care of two ailing parents since my son was 4 years old. Yes, he's lazy in school and no I don't demand straight A's but I do demand he pass and by his school standards that's a 60. He knows I expect more of him than that. I demand at least 80's and while he could work harder, he does meet those expectations. I help him with his homework when he needs it but I refuse to do it for him. Again, I am not a perfect parent and my parents weren't perfect either, but they didn't raise me to believe the world owed me a damn thing and that's exactly how I'm raising my son.

Please, if you value your own future, stop raising and stop helping to raise, a world of self-entitled brats who think someone will always be there to coddle them!

I am an asshole

So, it was brought to my attention today that I am a soulless and heartless asshole. Well ok, that's one opinion. Maybe I am in some areas. Maybe I am when I've been there and can see situations for what they are. However, just because I don't share your opinion, that does not qualify me as an asshole. That means I am a person with my own thoughts and I express them, same as you.

I have been through a LOT in my almost 35 years on earth, most of which has occurred in the last 15 years alone. I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive household until I was a teenager and one day it just stopped. I feel like both of my parents just quit caring. I of course followed the path and ended up in several mentally and emotionally abusive relationships myself. I managed to avoid the physically abusive aspects, plus they've all known I would kill them if they laid a hand on me in a physical fashion. I would love to blame the men for the pain I suffered. The truth is, I have to start by looking in the mirror. I kept picking those guys. I kept getting into relationships with the same type of men and I chose to stay the duration I did with each of them. They didn’t force me. No one did. I accept responsibility for what.

At what point do we become accountable for our own actions? When we’re teenagers and most certainly know right from wrong, or at least should? Is it when we turn 18 and are legally considered adults? At 18 a whole new world opens up. We can vote, join the military, get married without parental permission, get tattoos, and a slew of other things.

I was called an asshole today because I called a 19 year old out on her choice to marry a man who already made her feel like shit from the moment they began dating. Long story short, this man is 8 years older than she is, and when they began dating, while she was 17, he was still hooked on and basically stalking his most recent ex-girlfriend. He would tell his new girlfriend all about her and how his ex did certain things better than she, as well as how much more attractive she was than the current. Straying from my adulthood point earlier, yes, I realize that she was only 17 but whoopty doo. Unless she was raised in a bubble, which she stated she was not, she knew that there was something wrong with his behavior and she chose to marry him anyway. Then she got on a Facebook group and proceeded to ask everyone what she should do about it. So I told her the truth, either speak to him and let him know how she feels, or leave before it gets worse. If it hasn't changed in two years, it certainly won't now that they are married. I was then bashed by hundreds of people telling me I was soulless and heartless, bashing a child like that. A child???? Who legally married someone without needing parental consent? Call me an asshole if you will for not agreeing with the majority, but she's no longer a child, wasn't raised in a bubble, and made the decision to get married, on her own, to a man who treated her like garbage from day 1.

I guess today I'll be an asshole. Oh well!

I had an epiphany!

Today I had an epiphany. 

I have always been an advocate for the whole “your childhood doesn’t determine who you are, because even if it sucks, you can use that and come out as a better adult.” 

My epiphany today is that I am a total hypocrite. I have been in several relationships over the last 10 years that have always been mentally and emotionally abusive. I have let men treat me however they want to and get away with it because I felt like I was doing the right thing by staying and trying to make it work and trying to make them happy. I don’t necessarily want to blame my parents for this because yes, I could’ve come out stronger and walked away every time when things got bad, but these are the types of relationships that I was conditioned for as a child. My parents never got divorced, even if they definitely should have. For years, I watched my father physically abuse my mother until one day that just stopped. However, he was always mentally and emotionally abusive and that never really stopped until she got sick and then passed away. He would get angry and throw things. He would degrade her for not making a better dinner. I can't count how many times I cleaned food out of carpet. Mashed potatoes and rice were the worst!

My mom stayed though, because of us, her children. I haven’t had any children with the men that I have been in relationships with but I do have a son by someone I was having a sexual relationship with and I think that I always tried hard to make it work in my other relationships so that he would have a father figure around. But what have I taught him really? He’s 15 and soon he’ll be on his own, but he’s already dating and I worry. A lot. He tells me that he’s fine and that me being with these men has just made him realize what kind of man he doesn’t want to ever grow up to be but in reality, will he turn out to be the same type of man? Will he put a woman down even when she’s trying? Will he lie to her constantly so that he can go do what he wants to do? Will she sit at home feeling reassured that he’s not out doing something stupid when in actuality he really is? Will he break a woman to the point of losing her, or worse, she loses herself? I worry about the same things with women doing this to him, but I worry more that as much as he wants to distance himself from this type of behavior, that he'll turn out just like them. I always said I would never grow up to be like my mom, as we all do at some point, but I am turning into her. I'm already like her in so many ways. This isn't always a bad thing as my mother was an amazing woman, but I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve because I feel like I can't do it on my own. Staying single is definitely helping with that!

Gizmo’s One!

To be honest, I’ve always grown up with a pet of some sort. I’ve never been a crazy pet mom though. You now the type. The ones who dress up their animals or bake them their own birthday cake. However, something has happened to me in adulthood and I’ve turned into that type of pet parent. Gizmo makes it so easy! He’s so fun but easy going too. He lets me put shirts on him and he wears them with pride! He’s incredibly spoiled and has me wrapped around his paw!

Today is his FIRST birthday! I got him when he was 9 and 1/2 weeks old and he’s brought me more joy and love than I thought imaginable from a fur baby. He helped me through a serious addiction, two breakups (one of which was the end of a 6.5 year relationship) and some serious depression. He’s made me get out of bed and get moving and he’s brightened far too many dark days. So of COURSE I have to celebrate his birthday!

I didn't get to go all out like I wanted to, however, he got to go for a super long ride in the car, some special treats and new clothes!

Look how tiny he was when I got him compared to now! He's still my itty bitty baby though and will not grow anymore so I will forever have an itty bitty baby to love on!

July 1, 2017 - day of adoption!

30 Days of Lists - March 2018

I have no clue why I participate in 30 Days of Lists every year because I never get it finished ON TIME, but yet, I do it. Every. Single. Time.

Anyway, here’s my 30 Days of Lists for March 2018.

Day 1 - I want to be...

   - Stronger

   - Healthier

   - Peaceful

   - Sweeter

   - Hopeful

Day 2 - I see myself in these fictional characters

   - Eeyore

   - Hester Prynne

   - Jane Eyre

   - Janie Crawford

   - Jo March

Day 3 - My anthems

   - Bad at Love – Halsey

   - Castle – Halsey

   - Explosions – Ellie Goulding

   - Fall Down or Fly – Lindi Ortega

   - Gasoline – Halsey

   - Not Ready to Make Nice – Dixie Chicks

   - Bottle & My Bible – Highway 55

Day 4 - Tips for getting started with…a new week

   - Write down plans for upcoming week

   - Meal plan if you do that

   - Make note of appointments

   - Make list of calls to make, shopping, general to do’s

   - Go to bed Early!

Day 5 - Ways in which I would like to grow this year

   - Spiritually

   - Photography skills

   - Self love

   - Being more mindful

   - Less procrastinating

   - Learn to eat healthier

Day 6 - The emoji’s I use the most

   - 😂

   - 😳

   - ❤

️️   - 😝

   - 😑

   - 💕

   - 😉

   - 😘

   - 🙄

   - 🤦‍♀️

   - 🤷

Day 7 - I feel powerful when

   - I'm proven right

   - I finally finish something

   - I'm slamming the mom game

   - I dress nice

   - I go to church

Day 8 - Things other people love that I don't get

   - professional sports

   - scrapbooking

   - cleaning

   - any mayonnaise but Dukes

   - exercise

   - huge houses (see cleaning!)

Day 9 - Ways to nurture myself

   - mani/pedi

   - rest

   - mind games/puzzles

   - writing to Soldiers

   - hot showers

Day 10 - My favorite local businesses

   - Artisans Center

   - Sweet Dreams, Sewn Seams & Jelli Beans

   - Williams Seafood

   - Dukes BBQ

   - Old Bank Christmas & Gifts

Day 11 - Things to do every weekend

   - rest

   - alcohol

   - grocery shopping

Day 12 - ___ is my cardio

   - SEX

Day 13 - Things I believed as a child

   - love can last forever

   - there's a prince charming for me

Day 14 - Home is where...

   - I never get peace

   - but it's really where my heart is

Day 15 - Things I learned recently

   - you have to give and take

   - to bite my tongue more

   - it's ok to ask for help

   - sometimes you HAVE to put yourself first

Day 16 - Every time I go to WALMART, I buy...

   - way too much crap that we don't really need

   - something Keegan bugs me for

Day 17 - My freezer essentials

   - toaster strudels

   - beef

   - french fries

   - easy breakfast stuff

Day 18 - Things that make my life easier

   - cell phone

   - computer

   - being a SAHM right now

   - my car

   - my bullet journal

Day 19 - At the end of a long day, all I want is...

   - a hot shower

   - my bed

Day 20 - The best parts of Spring

   - rainstorms

   - flowers blooming

   - flip flops and shorts

Day 21 - Back in my day...

   - dial up internet

   - corded car phones

   - PAPER encyclopedias

Day 22 - My favorite plants

   - hydrangeas

   - orchids

Day 23 - Advice to ignore

   - don't quit (sometimes you have to)

   - follow your heart (it's not always right)

   - don't worry (clearly people don't know me that well)

Day 24 - Little things I am enjoying today

   - sleeping in

   - beautiful weather

Day 25 - Best news this week/month

   - Spring Break is next week!

   - paid the bills and actually had money left over

Day 26 - I would like a refresh on:

   - ADULTHOOD!

Day 27 - Favorite movie lines

   - cow...another cow...I think it's the same cow

   - I honestly don't have many favorite quotes.....

Day 28 - I am saving for...

   - saving? what the heck is that!?!?!?!?!

Day 29 - Unfinished projects I want to complete this year

   - my front porch

   - redoing the handicap ramp

   - finish the master bathroom remodel

   - new kitchen sink

   - set up my craft area

Day 30 - Before bed tonight, I will...

   - work on next month's budget, planning, etc.

Color Coordinated Egg Hunts????

Easter is approaching, fast, as in like 3 days from now! My son is 14 so he's "too old" for Easter Egg Hunts, but I recently saw a share on Facebook that made me grin and pissed me off at the same time. Just look for yourself….

What the hell is this??? Sure, it might be great for very small kids and could help them with learning their colors. But seriously, what the hell are we teaching our kids? This is one of those "fair is fair" type of deals, but it's crap. This ranks right up there with participation ribbons and trophies. We're teaching our kids that life is going to be fair and they'll always be rewarded for the mildest things. It's a lie though. Ok, we all know I can be an angry bitter person and I AM working on that with my therapist, but no amount of therapy can make me change my mind about raising my son to know that he won't always get what he wants and life isn't fair.

We should teach our children that participation is necessary regardless of whether you're on a winning team or not. Being a team player is about supporting your teammates regardless of what the outcome may be. Our children need to know that they may participate in something where someone else will earn, gain or win more than they will. We should teach our children to be compassionate to others but to also realize when it's time to stand their ground to keep themselves from being used and walked on. These lessons begin in childhood and the teenage years. We can't raise our children to always think life will be fair and then send them off at 18 thinking life is going to be easy, a walk in the park.

It's not. Plain and simple.

Fairy Tales vs. Reality

For most, fairy tales are introduced to us as children from our parents. They become goodnight stories or perhaps entertainment to keep us from becoming bored. As kids, many of us are read fairy tales because they were fun and comforting. Others may have stumbled upon fairy tales on their own. Some have never even heard of fairy tales.

For kids, fairy tales bring a sense of comfort. Those with happy loving families just equate the fairy tale to their life and mommy married prince charming and everyone’s living happily ever after. There are other kids who find solace in these tales. Kids whose home life isn’t so great or pleasant and they get entranced by these tales, feeling like their current life won’t always be that way, that one day someone will come along and rescue them. It's what we choose to look forward to, a charmed life.

As adults, let’s face it, FAIRY TALES FUCKING SUCK. Of course many of us continue to read them to our kids because hey, it’s a right of childhood to hear the tales from mommy and or daddy’s mouths. But again, they suck once you’re an adult. Yes, you might find your prince charming but really, what happens once prince charming is found and locked down with a ring and a license? We never get the ending of a fairy tale. I mean, we do, “and they lived happily ever after.” Seriously! What’s your definition of happily ever after? Why didn’t Peter Pan stick around when I needed him and Neverland the most? Oh wait, because I grew up and he’s a fucking immortal child or, in actuality, a figment of our imaginations. Where’s my shiny castle with my horse drawn carriage and a man taking care of me? Again, in another book…

Don't get me wrong, many people end of living their form of a fairy tale life. Let's face it though, it's nothing like the stories we read or heard growing up. No one has a perfect life. Everyone has problems. Everyone fights. After we meet prince charming the fantasy ends and reality begins. Compromises, bills, children, jobs and for many, fighting, over all of these things. That's when it ends. You realize life isn't what you thought it would be and that everything you fantasized about as a kid just isn't real.

Fairy tales are an illusion and a lie, that's all…