My son is 13 now and considering all we've been through, I honestly believe we're lucky to both be alive and in one piece each. When I was 19 and found out I was pregnant, well, it wasn't necessarily a surprise but I certainly wasn't ready. I had no clue how to be a mom or what to do in any and all situations. Over the years however, I've learned a lot about myself. I've also learned a lot about being a parent and for every mother out there, no, I'm not perfect and I certainly don't do everything right, or at least right in most peoples' eyes, sometimes my own, but I'm surviving parenthood and my kid is surviving childhood and we're both happy. That's all that matters. Remember we're all just trying to get through this without going insane. While every parent does things differently, we all learn something new, whether it's our first or fifth child. Every day is an adventure. These are things I've learned since I became a mom 13 years ago today…
I’m capable. I have learned to do so many things I never thought I could do. Step on leggos without screaming at 2am while checking on a sleeping baby. Become a ninja when you check on them at naptime and see them roll over to look at you. Catch baby vomit, pee and poop in my hand. Gross I know but it’s happened, with all three of those bodily functions. Yes, my kid is 13 now so those days are behind me!!! Thank goodness. Point is, I learned that I'm capable of more than I ever thought I could be.
I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ve had my heart broken multiple times since having my son and I handled it better than I ever did before I became a mom. I have handled so much that would’ve knocked many people down but I’ve gotten back up every time and come out stronger. It's all for him.
My heart is huge. I never thought I could have so much love for someone until my son was born. No matter what he does, my heart is always bursting with love for that kid.
They who they are. It doesn’t matter what you want them to be or who you want them to be, they are who they are. They’re going to be their own person and you should embrace it. I have always encouraged my son to be the best person he can be and do what makes him happy, preferably as long as it’s legal!
Time is precious. The last 13 years have flown by. Seriously. It feels like I held my little baby in my arms for the first time just yesterday. So much has happened in the last 13 years and it’s literally flown by. I remember his first steps, his first words, his first incoming and outgoing teeth, kindergarten graduation……and it all feels like it went by too fast. In 5 short years, my son will graduate high school and be an adult. Time please slow down…
Messy is OK. Kids are kids. If they get mud on the floor, remember they were outside making dirty but fun memories. If there’s glue on your couch, you can wash it off. Appreciate the homemade gift. Your children will remember the time you spent with them and the love you gave them more than they’ll remember a perfectly clean house. Believe me.
Simple moments really are the best. You don’t have to throw a $1000 birthday party every year or go to Disney every summer. Sitting with your child in a theater watching a movie of their choice and sharing a container of popcorn is enough. It doesn’t even have to be in a theater. My son and I watch movies at home all the time together. We go to the park and feed the ducks. We make a grocery run together. Even our simple short rides to and from school are quality time spent talking, laughing, singing and dancing. These are simple moments that your kids will love simply because they got to spend time with you.
We’re all learning. Every parent is different with how they do things. There’s no wrong way or right way. Breast vs. bottle. Circumcise your kid or don’t. Coddle or let them cry it out. Every parent has a different method, a different choice and they’re not wrong. Everyone has a reason for doing what they’re doing. As long as you think you’re doing it right and your kid is happy and healthy, that’s all that matters.
Traditions are memories in the making. Passing on a family recipe while teaching your child how to make it will feed their minds and bodies for a lifetime. Buying your child a new ornament every Christmas and giving them to your kid when they move out and have their own first tree. These are memories your children will have forever and will hopefully pass along to their own children.
Be a parent first. I know it’s tough to discipline your children and see that look on their faces or the “hurt” in their eyes. I know it will cut to the core if they ever tell you they hate you. Rest assured, they don’t and they will appreciate everything you’ve done for them one day, but this just means that you’re doing something right now. They “hate you” because they know they’re doing wrong and you’re not about to let them get away with it. Again, they’ll appreciate it one day and it will be lessons for them when they have kids of their own one day. It will also make them less of an asshole adult.
Pay attention. No matter what your kids are doing, pay attention. When they seem to be acting in a way that they don’t need you, it’s when they really need you the most. Something's wrong and they don’t know how to express it. Show them you care and that you’re there no matter what’s going on.
Love everything your child gives you. My son knows that he’s given me some crazy, random and possibly ugly stuff over the years. He’s said so himself now that he’s older. But accept those things because when they were created, it was the only way they could express their love for you at the time. They’ll remember this.
Use your words wisely and watch your actions. Kids pay attention to everything and absorb everything. Everything you say influences them. Your words and actions can make or break a child.
It’s guaranteed that your dominant parents voice and words will come out of your own mouth one day. I said I’d never be like my parents but I find myself sounding like my mother more and more every single day.
Wine. It makes the world go round, especially after a long tiring day when you just need to relax. Wine and a hot bath.
Everyone makes mistakes. Kids make mistakes. It’s what they do. They aren’t born knowing exactly what to do. It’s our job to teach our kids right from wrong. We let them make small mistakes, hope they learn from them, and try to keep them from making the big mistakes.
Having few true friends who understand your life and are still there is a huge thing. Once you become a parent, two things usually happen. You tend to lose most of your “friends” because they are either not parents and don’t seem to understand that you can’t go out all the time or they feel abandoned because you don’t call all the time and talk like you used to. One great thing you’ll come to find though, is that you will find some other new amazing parent friends. These are those people that know you don’t have to pick up the phone every day to stay friends but they’ll be there for you in crunch time and vice versa. I lost a lot of so called friends because I became a mom at 19. Most of my friends were single, living life, going to college and pursuing other things. Once I became a mom, they dropped like flies because I didn’t want to go out and party anymore. Nothing wrong with partying, we were all still so young, but once I got pregnant, I didn’t want it anymore. I had a human growing in me and I decided it was best for that humans life to focus on him. While the first few years were difficult for friendships, as time passed, I have made some amazing friends who are also parents who get it. They love me no matter what. They may disagree, and say so, with some of my decisions, but they still support my choices as a parent and know we’re all in it together doing the best we can.
The questions never end. This goes two ways. One being that your children NEVER stop asking questions. They’re young minds desire to learn and be molded. They are forever asking questions ranging from simple “what’s for dinner” to “where do babies come from?” My son is always asking me stuff and sometimes I feel like an idiot, but that’s ok. We usually end up learning something new together. The second way being, that we as parents never stop asking our own questions. "Am I doing this right? What the hell am I going to do about dinner when we won’t be home until 10pm and have no money to go out? Where am I going to send my kids to school? What the hell was I thinking?" That being my favorite to ask because I always feel like I’m making mistakes, in my life and in his. I always wonder what he’ll be like as an adult and will it be a reflection of what I’ve done over the years. Will he be an engineer or a felon? No one wants to ask that question but let’s face it, it’s always a possibility no matter how great of a job you do as a parent.
Be prepared for anything. I mean anything. Be prepared to change a crappy diaper in a parking lot at a fancy restaurant. Be prepared to stop on the side of the road or clean barf out of your car. Be prepared to send your kid to a private school. Be prepared to answer questions you don’t know the answers to. Be prepared to use Google a lot. Be prepared for an unending pile of dirty laundry and dirty dishes. Be prepared for people to randomly stop by when your house is a disaster. (This is ok by the way, it means your home is lived in and your kids are happy!) I mean, a lot! Be prepared. Just be prepared…
Everyone has an opinion. Seriously. No matter what you do, everyone is going to have an opinion about whether you’re doing a good job or not. Crazy part is, most of these highly opinionated people don’t even have kids and have no clue what you’re going through. Just nod, say thanks and keep on moving. It’ll be less stressful than trying to tell them they have no right to tell you what to do.
Privacy. Yea right. This goes out the window when you have kids. You will most likely never shower alone again. Even if they aren’t in the room with you, they’ll be standing outside the door asking where something is or when you’re going to be done. Even at 13, my son still finds something he needs or wants the minute that shower turns on.
Forget your selfish needs. By this, I mean, forget wanting anything ever again! Don’t get me wrong, I still buy things I want or need sometimes, but my son always comes first. If I want a new pair of shoes but he has a field trip coming up or summer camp, you can bet the money is going to him first. The shoes can wait. I have everything I NEED and I want him to have memories and a childhood that he can tell his future kids about. Now this doesn’t mean that you have to spoil your kids rotten with every new gaming system, electronic device or brand name shoe that hits the market. You just learn what to value more and hopefully teach that to your children as well.
Remember what I said earlier about everyone having an opinion. We were all there once too. Sometimes we still look at other parents and say things like “I would never do that with my child or allow him to have this or that for dinner.” Face it. You will eat your words one day. When you’ve been in the grocery store for over an hour and your child is whining and only wants a candy bar, you’ll end up giving in. When you’ve had a super busy long day full of work, field trips, laundry, sports events, etc. and you have no energy to cook dinner, you’ll be thrilled to hit up McDonald’s or go home and fix a bowl of cereal. Oh well. Your kid ate right?
You learn to laugh at yourself and your kids and you teach them it’s ok to do the same. When your kid goes running down the hall and falls for no reason, you’re going to laugh. It’s funny. He’ll cry but if he sees you laughing, he’ll quit, get up and laugh at himself even if he doesn’t realize it. It’s ok to laugh at your screw ups and it’s great to teach your child that it’s ok, as long as it isn’t a big screw up. You’ll learn to laugh at a bowl of spaghetti dumped upside down on your sofa. You might not be thrilled but yelling at your child for an accident only hurts them and life is too short to be mad at everything.
You’ll probably never get anywhere on time again. Even if you were the perfect on time person before your child came along or even a few years into their life, it will eventually end, especially as they get older. Children move slower than anything you’ve ever witnessed. As babies, you can prepare everything they’ll need the night before you go somewhere. As kids, you have to constantly get after them to get moving, get dressed, hurry up and eat, brush their teeth. It’s always something. One child can be tough. And that’s all I have. But friends of mine who have multiple children are never on time. I’m ok with that. I get it!
Participation does not deserve a trophy. I know that might sound harsh but when I was my son's age, we didn't get ribbons or trophies just for participating. Teach your child that while it's awesome to win, it's ok to lose too. It builds character. Teach them to remember that when they're winning someone else is losing and that it happens to all of us. We can't all be good at everything we try but to try everything you want to. Whether you're good or bad, you can say you tried and you never know what you're good at if you don't try it at least once. You also might not get it the first time but keep trying if it's something you really want.
Parent bashing is a no-no. This should be a no-no whether you're a parent or not, but non-parents love to say how they'd never do this or that when they become a parent and they want to tell you every thing that you should and shouldn't do with your kids. Other parents can be the same. "Well I breastfed and it's best so why didn't you?" "Why would you take him out in freezing cold weather just for milk?" First off, none of this is anyone else's business. Secondly, as long as your kid is happy and healthy, that's all that matters. If you have no milk in the house and no money for a babysitter, you bundle the kid up and roll out. If you bottle fed then so what? Too many people judge without knowing someone else's story and we as parents REALLY don't need anymore judgement. Ok, so my kid eats junk food. I am usually in workout pants, t-shirt, no bra and the proverbial mom pony-tail. Who cares? My kid plays sports, lots of sports, and eats healthy several nights a week so the workouts and healthy food outweigh the limited junk he has. I have no one to impress and I'm tired from doing everything and running everyone around. I am not dolling up to look good for other sports moms. The point is, again, if your kid is happy and healthy screw other parents bashing you. Also remember that you don't like how it feels so don't do it either. Just support each others' decisions and move along. Parents need support systems more than opinions.
We're all in this trying to do what's best. We're all trying to be good parents so just keep doing what you're doing and parent on!
