52 Weeks - Week 4

Week 4 - What is your greatest weakness? Describe a time this weakness held you back.

Kindness. Kindness is definitely my biggest weakness. Most people wonder how that could ever be a weakness, but trust me, it can be. I have a problem saying no to people when they need help or even if they just ask for something. I don’t like to see people struggle, even if I am struggling. This has always been a downfall. It’s gotten me in trouble a lot as well. There have been many times when I have been broke and have someone my last $5. It’s caused me issues with paying my own bills and left me playing catch-up on stuff later. So yes. It can be a downfall! 

52 Weeks - Week 3

Week 3 - What is your greatest strength? Describe a time this strength served you well.

I think my biggest strength is perseverance. I have been through a lot in my life. That not to say that others haven’t. We all go through things. We all have things that knock us down and make us wonder what the point of life even is. I think it’s all about how we handle the challenges we’re faced with everyday, don’t you? I haven’t always handled life’s challenges very well. There was a time when I’d use alcohol or illegal drugs to suppress my problems. I turned to cocaine during my last real relationship because it was a bad, toxic relationship and instead of walking away, I started using drugs. It was only after I wanted to die, like really die, that I knew something had to change. I dumped the guy, dumped the drugs, and sought out therapy. I’ve always had a way of surviving and I think just knowing there is more for me out there, has kept me going. I refuse to let the haters win. People are always going to try to knock you down and hold you back, but it’s up to you to prove them wrong. Persevere no matter what! 

52 Weeks - Week 2

Week 2 – What physical characteristics are you most self-conscious about? How could you make peace with those?

For this one I guess I’d say my stomach. I’m not really as bad as a I used to be about it though. Now it’s more of a frustration thing when picking out what to wear or buy. Because I’m a BBW, I always have major muffin top and not just with jeans. Most clothes don’t flow right on my body because my belly sticks out more than my boobs! Isn’t it some kind of requirement that if you’re a larger woman with a gut, you should have huge boobs too?????? Guess not! I also have to wear shirts that are kind of longer than most. If not, my belly causes the shirt to pull up and you can see my tummy. No offense to any of you BBW out there, but I personally do not like my tummy sticking out for the world to see. Making peace with……hmm. I guess just shop for clothes that flatter my other assets or lose weight and strengthen up that area.

Facebook warriors unite!

I do not understand Facebook warriors, or social media warriors in general. For instance, I belong to many groups on Facebook. I belong to hobby groups for things like bullet journals and crafting. I belong to selling groups. I belong to female only groups. In every single group and all over social media really, people love to comment on shit just to start shit. Yea yea yea. I get it. When you post things on social media for the entire world to see, you should definitely expect some pushback. However, we’ll use the buy and sell groups for example. What is the point of commenting on someone’s listing if you have no intention of buying their product or utilizing their services? Why post some shit saying someone is overcharging for something or comments on the condition of the item? If you don’t want it, just keep scrolling. How hard is that? Or, in one of the money groups I’m in, when people post a request for funds needed for something that seems frivolous to others, why comment and say shit like, “why post this shit? No one wants to fund your smoking habit?” Yes. I also know it’s probably not best to go online asking people to give you money for things like cigarettes or help paying your phone bill, etc., however, if you don’t want to donate, keep it moving! Most of these groups have admin approval for posts so if admins allow it to be posted then they saw nothing wrong with it. It’s also not your right or mine to judge anyone else. It’s not our place. So instead of giving people a hard time, just keep fucking scrolling. It’s not that hard, but goodness gracious, the animosity towards other peoples’ posts is ridiculous! When I see these comments, I really get a picture in my head of some 40 year old overweight balding man in a tank top, basketball shorts and flip flops, living in his parents basement just sitting in front of a computer anticipating the next chance he’ll have to fuck up someone else’s day. He literally only gets up to use the bathroom and his mother still cooks for him and fixes him a plate every meal and brings it to him in the basement. It’s not a pretty image. 

No this hasn’t happened to me personally but I see it every time I log in to Facebook or Instagram and it literally makes me want to leave these groups. I’m in them for various reasons though and I stay because every once in a blue moon, people are actually nice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes. The title is my attempt at passive aggressiveness or being a smart ass. Not my finest work but it will do.

52 Weeks - Week 1

Well. This is it. The 52 Weeks of Self Reflection that I promised! 

Week 1 – What is your favorite physical characteristic (face or body)? Describe a time you felt proud of that feature.

I think I’d have to say my hair. I used to dye it, perm it and basically just put it through hell. The last time I had a major haircut, she probably took a good 12 inches of horribly dry and dead hair. It was so bad that I couldn’t even get a brush through it, even with it coated in leave-in conditioner! My hair was rather short after that haircut. I could barely tuck it behind my ear which drove me crazy. I’ve basically always had long hair, except for a few years in my late 20s where I had one version of the proverbial mom cut.

Now however, it’s down to my ass, super smooth, soft and healthy. I love it when it dries all curly with no help from any kind of product except a proper wash and conditioning with good, safe shampoo and conditioner. I wear it up mostly because it does get annoying, but when it’s cooler weather and I’m not sweating like crazy (sweating and the SC humidity makes it frizzy), I comb it after a shower, leave it down, do a little tussle with my fingers to separate it more and let it air dry. It gets so curly, frizz free and I don’t have to add anything to it like mousse or leave-in conditioner. #teamnaturalhair #curlyhairdontcare

A new challenge

So I tend to start things and never finish. I love to make lists and answer questions though. So I always participate in a little think called 30 Days of Lists. I just really like making lists. 

Anyway! For 2021, I think I’m going to do a year long challenge. It’s basically a 52 Weeks of Self Reflection. I’ll be posting every Sunday beginning on January 3, 2021. Hopefully. I honestly don’t think anyone reads this blog, but that’s ok. This is for me and something I really want to try. I hope I keep up with it and actually finish something for once!

If anyone out there is reading, keep an eye out for this new series of posts! Join along if you’d like!

Have a kid they said.....

Raising kids is fucking hard. There. I said it. I’m sure every parent thinks it but what parent really wants to admit it? In today’s technologically advanced age, it’s easy to fake the perfect life for the world to see. We only make sweet quotes about what Junior did today or we post only the good pictures of the kids decorating Christmas cookies. No one wants to share the meltdowns, the unfolded pile of laundry or the sink full of dishes. No one wants to show the awful messes the kids make or videos of siblings basically trying to kill each other. From the outside looking in, every family looks perfect. 

Let me say, it’s not easy for any parent, no matter your age. I was 19 when I gave birth to my son. He’ll be 17 in two weeks and he thinks he knows it all. I know. I know. That just teenagers. This is just......different. I have literally known nothing but a life of motherhood and caregiving for the last 17 years. Not only have I been raising him alone, but I also took care of my mother before she passed and I’ve been caring for my father for almost 13 years now. This week has been a roller coaster and I now know that I’ve failed the one and only job I actually thought I was good at. Motherhood. Now I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I no longer have a reason to be here. 

Let me explain. I have always been open and honest with my son about my life, past and present. I have always encouraged a communicative lifestyle between he and I. I have spoiled him rotten because I always knew that he would be my only child. I wanted him to have more than I did growing up. I have allowed him to do many things that most people would never even think about allowing. But I failed where it mattered most. I failed to discipline him. I failed in letting him know what his limits really were. I have failed motherhood with a big fat F circled in red. It has recently come back to bite me in the ass. Now I don’t know what to do with him or myself. Motherhood really is all I have known for the last 17 years. I haven’t worked in over 13 years outside of the home because I spent that time caring for my mother and now my father. That also allowed me to be there 24/7 with and for my son as he was growing up. Recent events have lead to major arguments and sides being picked and of course he chooses the side of his girlfriend. This doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that he has become downright disrespectful to me, to the point where I told him that maybe he needed to pack his things and go stay with his father for a while. This is a man that my son has never had a consistent or solid relationship with but I have hit the point where I just want to quit. I don’t want to be a parent anymore. 

Don’t get me wrong. I knew that being a parent was going to be hard. I knew it would have its ups and downs. I knew there would be arguments and hugs. I knew there would come a day when there would be trouble as well, because my son is exactly like me. I, however, never dreamed that he would be worse than I was at that age. I’m at a loss because motherhood was the one thing that I thought I was doing right in life and now it turns out that I couldn’t even do that right! The things that he has said to me recently, I honestly don’t think I will ever get over. He has broken my heart worse than any other person has in my life and I never thought I would see the day when that would happen. Yes, I anticipated disappointments but this is so much more. This is actual heartbreak that I am feeling. I don’t know what to do honestly. Maybe someone else has all the answers, and if you do I applaud you. Perhaps you could share some of them with me. It’s not cheating. After all, what’s the saying? “It takes a village.” For the time being, I suppose I will take it one day at a time and see where we end up.

trophies for parenting, get over yourself...

Someone, explain it to me, please. I don't get why parents feel compelled to brag about every single thing that they do as a parent while also expecting some kind of recognition for it. It reminds me of kids getting trophies for participating. In fact, I bet these parents all got participation trophies when they were kids! It's the only way to explain it.

Every single day, I log on to Facebook to see what my friends and family are up to, catch up on news stories, real and fake, ha!, and just keep in touch with the world, let them know I'm still alive. Every single day, I see the same posts, "I swore I'd never be that mom, but look what I did last night even though little Billy had three weeks to complete it!" There are others, "my kids better know how lucky they are with all the sacrifices I made for them this week!" HELLO! You're a parent. Your job is to care for those kids and yes, that means making sacrifices. As a parent, and a single one at that, I know all too well what it means to give up your life for someone else and make sacrifices for them, but those are the prices you pay for having children. If it's not the life you wanted, then don't get pregnant, or give your kid up for adoption or just stop seeking praise for it! We all know it's hard. We all want someone to talk to once in a while and yes, we do want praise for keeping our kids alive, but seriously, every single day? Do you need recognition every single day? I'm thinking that honestly, if you do, then you need something else in your life, a therapist, medication, more friends, something.

Look, to all the parents out there, and I mean ALL THE PARENTS (if you're actually taking care of your kids) out there, you're doing an amazing job! Yes, you deserve recognition for keeping your crotch monkeys alive each and every day. I'm the advocate for parent presents on kids birthdays! I mean, why should the kids get presents, just for being born? We should get gifts for creating, birthing, raising, and keeping them alive for another year! We should be recognized for that, at least once a year, but we do not need daily recognition. We do not need to know how much you spoil your children. We do not need to know that you do all of your kids school projects because they were too lazy to do them, or seek help when they were assigned the project, or were too focused on a video game to remember the project to begin with. In the end, this will come back to bite you in the ass because when your child grows up to be 25, an idiot, living at home and flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant, you're merely going to have a black and white electronic record of all the ways you allowed this to happen and then you'll sit there and naively wonder "where did I go wrong?" Some people, not saying me, but some people might just laugh and ask you "are you fucking serious" while slinging out screenshot after screenshot of your mistakes. Yes, we all make mistakes but we don't need to document them! Am I right?!?!!?!?!?

Back to School Shopping - Parents, Quit Your Bitching

Every. Single. Year. It happens every single year in August, September for some locations. Back to school = back to school shopping. With this also comes the massive amount of parents whining and bitching about the back to school shopping lists. I'm here to say STOP. Just stop. Please.

Do you have any idea what it takes to care for your sniffling, sneezing, writing, active little "darling" children every day in a classroom? You should if you spent any time with them over the summer. You know they don't like to sit still. You know they want to play and use a lot of supplies and patience to keep your house in one piece.

During the school year, one, MAYBE two teachers are responsible for the classroom they teach in. This includes keeping it damage free as well as supplied. Some schools give their teachers budgets, some don't. Even those with a classroom budget will tell you, it's never enough! Kids waste things. They lose things. They destroy things. Teachers come out of pocket every single year to ensure your children have all the supplies they'll need to be successful during the school year. Some of them spend practically their entire paycheck on YOUR children and you have the nerve to grumble about buying a box of tissue and some hand sanitizer.

These parents are usually the same ones grumbling about having to take a day off from work because irresponsible mom Jenny sent Timmy to school sick and their poor little Ben got sick because there was no hand sanitizer or tissues for him to use.

So stop. Just pick up your back to school list. Buy the damn supplies and maybe a little extra for that poor kid who couldn't afford them and support your teachers! They are shaping your children for the future and dammit they deserve more than a mom getting angry over an extra pack of pencils.

PS. A lot of kids also have back to school parties and giveaways of school supplies so if you are one of those that cannot afford supplies, perhaps see if your area has this going on and partake in it! Take advantage of that opportunity for your kid so he or she has all the tools needed for a successful school year!

extreme couponing

I miss couponing. I really do. I wasn't aware of just how much until recently when we had to decrease our food budget because of financial reasons and the amount of groceries we get barely gets us by. I have a growing teenager for crying out loud! It's also about to be Summer vacation! He's out but their particular school doesn't officially let out until Friday. Still, Summer vacation means more time at home, more bored lazy days and so much more eating, simply because he's bored and thinks he's hungry! Once upon a time I was a hard core coupon clipper and I would stockpile during sales while using those coupons. I would plan our meals around our stockpile. Then I quit stockpiling and I would just plan meals around what was on sale and along with coupons would provide the most cost efficient meals.

Eventually I just starting shopping sales and quit with coupons because I burned out on couponing. Then it got to a point where we just shopped for what we had a craving for. Maybe that's why we started having financial troubles! Back when we didn't have to be so "frugal," we were. Lately, we haven't been quite so frugal and it's become quite difficult just making sure we have the money to get food for the whole month. So yes, I miss discounts and actually having money. Living paycheck to paycheck, just barely, is killing me!

I've noticed lately, people don't discuss couponing like they used to. When I first got into it myself, it was incredibly popular and while nothing new, it was more prominent because people were either trying to save money to support their families, or in the case of the TV show, there were some real weird people out there. As stated before, we didn't really have to be frugal during my time of couponing but I loved being able to fill up our house with stuff we would use and possibly not have to shop for a couple months if I didn't want to. I have to admit I was also addicted to watching the price fall on the register as coupons were scanned and knowing I could get stuff way cheaper than most people. When Extreme Couponing premiered on TV, it became a sort of sport or fad, if you will. People would literally compete with each other to see who could save the most money or have the biggest coupon collection. I noticed people on the show were incredibly proud of their huge coupon collections but the problem in my eyes was, what's the point in having such a large collection when you'll never use that many or in some cases, they didn't use half of them. They would merely clip every coupon from a circular simply because it was there and it made their coupon collection bigger. I personally only clipped coupons for things we would need and possibly things I could get for other people. I had a few people I would share circulars with. I would clip the ones I needed and pass the rest along and usually I found people that could use them so they didn't go to waste. I never took pride in the size of my coupon collection but I did pride my stockpile.

After a while, this "fad" wore down. My personal reasons were because I just got tired of doing it all day on Sunday when the coupons came out and then spending another day of the week planning out a shopping trip when new sale papers came out and then yet another full day meal planning, matching coupons with sales and such and lastly, another full day doing the actual shopping, unloading at home, putting everything away and separating into meal size portions for us. I felt like it was all I was doing, like a full time volunteer position or something. For others, I can only guess why they slowed down or stopped. Many stores began issuing their own store coupons or rewards programs. Stores also began changing their policies to keep people from overdoing it and cleaning out their shelves. Coupons have always had limitations on them but stores could decide whether to follow them or go another way such as allowing cashiers to key in the coupon discounts. This was costing stores time, some money and again, people were clearing shelves. Articles I later read regarding some of the stores featured on the show, stated that many stores were in on the shops and that it wasn't normal for people to shop like that there. This caused a lot of issues because every-day regular shoppers weren't allowed to get the amazing discounts or use the amount of coupons the people on the shows did so they would get angry with store owners and managers. I feel like this is probably one of the main reasons so many stores changed their policies.

I was watching old episodes (obviously since it's no longer being filmed) recently and while there were a few people on the show that reminded me of myself, there were others that STILL had me wondering to myself, "what the hell is wrong with some people?" It further solidified my opinion of humanity. I found myself wondering if the people on that show still shopped like that or if they possibly underwent "Coupon-aholics Anonymous." There were literally people on the show who would dumpster dive or even send their friends in to dumpsters to retrieve coupons. The people who continued to add to their stockpile when they had more than enough to share with another country, probably baffled me the most. I mean, these peoples houses looked like they belonged on episode of hoarders but with new stuff versus trash. There was literally no room to move in their homes but yet they continued to buy stuff. There were people literally adding on to their houses and buying storage sheds to pack their stockpiles in. What's the point? Seriously. Much of that stuff, the food items and personal care items, would expire LONG before they would ever be needed so essentially they'd go to waste. Whatever people saved or even sometimes made on those items was a waste as well because they would end up having to replace it later and with all the new restrictions, it's unlikely they would make a profit on it now. Some places actually charge you a few cents per coupon you use!

One lady in particular held my heart in the palm of her hand as I could relate to her, until the end of the episode that is. She herself was a big couponer but she was getting tired of it. She not only shopped for her own home and family but also for her parents. When she told her parents that she was taking a break, she taught them what to do and took them to the store to show them personally how it worked. They were literally riding their scooters around the store collecting their items and generally berating her if she didn't grab an item or she grabbed the wrong one. I felt bad for her all through this. The moment she broke my heart though, was at the register. I felt like she was a victim of bossy over-controlling parents but oh my word, when they got to the register, she herself began barking at her parents about watching the register for EVERY item and EVERY coupon and if they turned away for a split second she would yell at them that they may be missing a crucial discount. I sure hope her attitude turned out better once she finally took a break from couponing. 

Part of the reason I personally became burned out on it, wasn't just from all the clipping, sorting, and filing but my boyfriend and I at that time would have some nasty arguments because he would fail to use certain coupons, get a raincheck for sale items that the store was out of, or if some coupons that should have doubled didn't. I went through every single line of every single receipt. It was literally ruining our relationship because I was obsessed. I actually did end up buying a bunch of stuff that we didn't need or would never use before it went bad. By the time I'm burned out on couponing, I realized I had actually ended up losing out on some money in certain areas. We ended up with a lot of stuff that we would never use beyond expiration dates. I could've tried to sell stuff but honestly, I was so sick of seeing all the stuff that I ended up giving away items we would never use or I had to throw stuff out because it was well passed its expiration date. Trust me when I say, when toothpaste expires, toss it. Please! I also didn't feel right making money off of other people, especially if I got most or all of that stuff free. I see people now posting items on Facebook for sale and while they are charging people less than full price in the store, they are still making a profit because they got it all for free. I know because while I don't coupon right now, I do still follow sales as well as my favorite bloggers who list what coupons are available and when and I know for a fact that all of those items were completely free for those people. People could clip coupons and get all this stuff for free themselves but they're paying someone else for them on Facebook to get them a mere dollar cheaper. 

After watching the show and going through our financial woes recently, I do plan on getting back into it. Desperate times call for desperate measures but this time I will be sensible, reasonable, and responsible. Lack of space in our house and more common sense have made me see I only need to stock up on what we NEED and what we'll use in a timely fashion!

life is fucking hard!

I tell my son every day, being an adult is hard. REALLY FUCKING HARD. For those that make it look easy, YAY! But I'll be damned if I'm sugarcoating shit for my kid. Maybe that makes me a terrible mother. Maybe it makes me the greatest one on planet earth. It doesn't matter what other people think, as long as I think I'm doing ok and he's happy and healthy, right? He thinks I'm doing just fine and I'm ok with that. I just don't want my kid growing up thinking that life is going to be a bed of roses, or a cake walk, or whatever other crappy metaphor you want to put forth. A while back I had a writing exercise when I was trying to “open up my writing senses” and become a better writer, that required me to write a letter to a younger me. I really can't remember if I was allowed to choose an age or if it chose it for me, but the letter was to a 13 year old me. This is some shit I wish my parents had told me. Instead of my mother always saying “never rely on a man” or my father saying “learn to change your oil,” I wish they would have said “learn to SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN and find a way to make it happen.” Seriously! Well here goes.

Dear 13 year old Robin,

          Life is fucking tough. Plain and simple. I won't sugarcoat shit here. It's ok to cry. It's ok to get upset and be hurt. However, get used to it, have your little upset moment and move the hell on. It's going to happen. A lot. Life won't always be as easy as it is now. There won't be someone around to clean up your messes, pick up your shit or clean up after your lazy ass so get a move on now! Even if you work hard to meet your goals, even if you meet your goals, life is still going to be hard and one long ass roller-coaster. You'll want to get off long before it stops and you'll spend a lot of the time holding in your feelings so you don't vomit all over the person in front of you. Having people that stand by you no matter what helps lighten the load or at least makes it easier to carry. That's not to say you need a hundred friends. Only have people in your life that truly want you for nothing other than your friendship. If you notice they only talk to you or come around when you're happy, have money, or are doing something that will benefit their lives, cut them loose. It'll get lonely. There will come a time when you might not have anyone by your side, but then people will come along and make you realize that being alone wasn't so bad because they'll have your back no matter what. Learn now that no one has the right to judge you. NO ONE. If they do, it's because there is something in THEIR lives that they are unhappy with. People will talk, tease and try to find a way to bring you and others down. It's what unhappy people do. Don't be that person. It will get you nowhere in life. You'll be lonely and it will not have been worth it. Wait to have sex! Seriously. Or just commit to having casual sex and ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. I know, I know. That sounds absolutely terrible, the first part anyway, but it's true. If you like sex but really know you don't want to be settled down, lay the rules down first. Don't get your heart caught up in a temporary pleasurable sensation. If you don't think your emotions can handle the ride, then just WAIT to have sex. Wait until you're older and truly in love. It'll mean more then. You'll know when it's right. Always listen to that little voice inside, ALWAYS. It'll never steer you wrong and if it does, it'll be worth it in the end because everything happens for a reason. If you're not going to be proud of the outcome of the decision you're making, then don't make the decision. Choose the alternative route, every time. Don't make promises you don't intend on keeping. Sometimes we say things like “I promise to stop tapping my nails” or something else incredibly stupid but it's just a random promise. You never know who might be listening to these promises and who might be taking them seriously so if you're bound to not keeping your word, then just don't use the word "promise" unless it's something as serious as death and taxes. If you break a promise, a legitimate one, it should be because you had absolutely no possible other choice, plain and simple. Apologize, beg for forgiveness, and NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN. Own up to your mistakes. Be the kind of person your parents, future husband, and future children will be proud of. Be someone you'd be proud of and always be proud of who you are.

Sincerely,

35 Year Old Robin who really could have used ALL of this advice 17-20 friggin' years ago!

co-parenting with my mom

My son and I love talking about my mom. We talk about how they used to play together, and it astonishes me that my son can remember things he did at the age of 4 or younger. A lot of kids later in life don't remember those ages. Maybe it's because he's still close to that age or maybe he just REALLY loved his Nana and remembers her that well, but he can bring up things I can't remember!

It came to my attention not too long ago however, that he was told my mother raised him and not me. I have to say that this pisses me off. Yes, my mother helped me in so many ways. I never moved out so of course he had extended family in this house. My mother babysat for me, so I didn't have to pay for daycare and yes, she watched him for me to go out with friends, however, that didn't happen often and it was HER idea. Her words were “why pay strangers to watch him when he can be with family for free.” I also used my paychecks when I was working to buy groceries, help with bills, and I did the cooking and cleaning around here.

For the first year of my son's life, I took him to every appointment, fed him 90% of his meals and rocked him to sleep 95% of the time. My mother was with there WITH me through all of this. I was 19 when my son was born. My mother helped me through all of the sleepless nights, mounds of baby clothes and various doctors’ appointments but not once in that first year did I request or expect her do it, neither alone nor with me, and she didn’t take care of him alone. We did it together, like a married couple would. She was my son's "father" during that year.

In 2005 after his first birthday, I began college on campus. My mother watched my son for me while I was in class. Generally, I came straight home from classes and occasionally I would call my mother and ask if I could hang out with friends after class. If she said she didn't mind, then I would stay out for a couple hours, but I was always home to rock my son to sleep. When I began working that would sometimes change as I was in school all day and at work until we closed at 11 every night. I'd get home after midnight and if my son woke up, I cared for him and got him back to sleep. It was no different than a married couples’ relationship except she was my mother. She was the father my son didn't have. His father was off playing daddy to a brood of children that were NOT his. During the times I was working and going to school, the ONLY time I went out after work was if mom told me my son was sleeping well and probably wouldn't wake up, or if he was actually at his fathers for the weekend. During this time, my mother did take my son to appointments and oftentimes she was the one to deliver him to his father or pick him up from his father, however, it was not because I was out partying. It was because I was trying to get an education and earn a paycheck.

During the time I was in classes online, and working from 7am-6pm every day, I went grocery shopping with MY money, fed MY family on MY paychecks and came home and cooked dinner for everyone in this house. It was a fair trade for my family and for my mother to watch my son. She saved me money in daycare fees and I took care of the family. There are those that only got ONE side of the story or only saw what they wanted to see. My son was very close to my mother and he misses her dearly all the time. For that, I will never regret the way he was raised, especially those first 4 (almost 5) years of his life. If anyone has a problem with that or thinks that I didn't care for my own son, screw you. I was and still am a good mother. My love for my son and his love for me is proof of that. While most teenagers his age would rather be out with friends or anywhere but home, he’s totally fine with watching a movie on Netflix and chilling with his mom, and trust me, he has a lot of friends who like to come over here and hang out so it’s not for a lack of a social life on his part. I have nothing to apologize for when it comes to how he was raised. He was and still is loved a ton, and that’s all that matters.

once an addict......

Addiction starts with a choice...a choice to do something, or try something that eventually causes ones brain and body to crave it and need it forever. No one ever knocks an addiction. It's something one will carry with them their entire life. It's something they'll spend their entire life battling and trying to overcome. Quitting their addiction merely makes them a recovering addict, but an addict none-the-less.

I'm an addict, or rather a recovering addict. I would love to be able to say I'm a former addict, as in, I quit my addiction(s) more than say...10 years ago, but that's not the case. The fact that I also still think about how great I felt when I was using my drug of choice, I feel I'm still recovering. It took me a long time to gain the courage to admit I was addicted and it took even longer for me to accept it, change it, and be able to discuss it. 

The first time that I tried something that's considered addictive, and would prove to be addictive to me later in life, I was 18. The feeling was amazing! The highs were so high! But oh man, the lows were even lower. Coming down was even worse. I quit cold turkey though, and I actually had no cravings. I found other things to occupy my time with and I didn't really want it anymore. Years, many years later, I found myself feeling trapped in my everyday life. I never went anywhere anymore. I didn't really have many friends to talk to and if I did want to hang out with people, they would never come here because it was always too far to drive (even though I always went to their houses). I was just lonely, even with my son, father and boyfriend at home. I just wanted to be free and happy again. I practically became an adult and a mother at the same time and so I grew up faster than most. I missed out on a lot in my younger years or so that's how I felt. I began remembering the fun times, the high times, always being up for extended periods of time. I wanted that back. I thought to myself that if I knocked the habit at 18 for all these years, then I could do it again easily once I got my life back where I wanted it. It started slow, as in every other weekend when I needed a perk. Then it became every weekend. Then going without it just felt impossible. When I finally slept, I woke up feeling like crap and wishing I was dead. It would take days for me to recover and be able to breathe again properly. It was seriously taking a toll on me. I was neglecting my child and not doing anything around the house. I would literally stay in bed all the time, either wide awake from drugs, or tired from coming down or sick because I'd go on week long benders. I lost some weight because I didn't want to eat. I threw up every time I finished a bender and I would get to a point where I'd say I need to stop and chill for the rest of the night or day but then I'd have some left and continue doing it until it was all gone and I was mad because it was gone.

So, I made a choice again. I chose to quit. I did so without help from anyone. I can't say it's been easy. It will get easier but I'm sure I will always have those cravings. I will always desire those highs but I will always remember those lows. When I start craving it and am tempted to score some, I think about the times I felt like crap and the damage I did to my nose. That outweighs the highs by a long shot.

I think my reason for writing this post now is because in recent weeks, a lot has happened that has made me want to turn back to the drugs, badly. I crave them more now than I did when I was "detoxing." However, I felt like putting that into something positive, such as getting my story out there, it would help me remember why I quit and why I want to stay clean. I hope it helps someone else too.

This also leads up to my next post, about being bipolar and what the drugs did for me…

1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-8255. This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Like many others, I didn’t know this until that damn song came out. I was confused as to why Shazam kept popping up with a phone number for a song until I looked it up and listened to the words of the song. It got it's point across though.

Those who contact these hotlines and speak out about wanting to commit suicide usually do so in hopes someone will stop them. Please note that I said, USUALLY. They still have a spark of hope left in them. I didn’t. Or at least I thought I didn’t. Let me back up and tell you my story…

I spent 6 years, 4 months and 3 days in a very toxic relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. I don't blame him for everything though. I won't play the victim here. I bare my portion of the responsibility.

Whether he’ll ever see this, I don’t know, but I do want him to know that I take responsibility for my faults. Technically I was in an "open relationship" with another man when this guy and I began seeing each other. He moved in immediately after that relationship ended and that guy moved out. I know I didn’t make living here easy. It was my house. Things had a certain place and were done a certain way. I budged on a lot of stuff though. I spent countless dollars keeping him out of major jail time and other troubles and helping him get his license back. When he didn’t want to work, sure I pressed the issue, but I made it easy. I supported him. I let him drive one vehicle until it was beyond repair. I let him drive mine and even got a loan for another one so we would both have means of transportation. I essentially gave him the means to go where he wanted, when he wanted, and with who he wanted. I funded it. Sure I fussed and we argued but oh man did he know how to twist and manipulate things until I felt guilty and he still got his way. I was scared to walk away for fear of being alone. During all of this, I was also raising a child who has a very selfish and difficult biological father as well as taking care of my own father who is in a wheelchair and has aphasia from a stroke. My life had become others' property. It was no longer my own. Everything I did was for someone else, always. I didn’t really have many friends and those who did stick by me only had one bit of advice, "dump the jerk and move on." I wasn’t ready even though I knew deep down that it was probably for the best.

By the end of our relationship and the REASON it ended, I had it my head by this point that everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn’t seek out help. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I literally laid in bed one night and wrote my suicide note in my head. I was going to do it the next morning after my boyfriend took my son to school and left to do whatever he was doing (which was most likely cheating). That same night when I finally fell into what felt like a restless sleep, I had a dream that I had done it but I guess my soul was still there because I could see myself like I was looking down on myself from above. I watched my son come home from school and find my lifeless body and I saw his reaction. It was literally like something from a movie. His life fast forwarded quickly throughout my dream and I saw him growing up without me and always wondering why I chose to abandon him. The next morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t do what I had been doing this whole time anymore. I made the decision to let go of the guy that I was dating and thought I had been in love with for six years when in reality we hadn’t been in love for quite some time. The day that I told him to leave, it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I literally instantly felt so much better.

When I first heard that song and actually listened to the words and realized what was going on in the song I became incredibly curious. I used my Shazam app to find out the title of the song and I initially thought that a phone number couldn’t be right but then I looked it up and sure enough it was the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and it made so much sense. The words of the song made so much more sense now. I could relate to it, every single word, because in the beginning I wanted to die, I felt like I had no other choices left. But then after having that dream and realizing what it would do to my son, I wanted to live if not for anyone else, even myself, at least for him. Since I broke up with my ex, my entire world has changed. I get along better with the people in my life who stuck by me even though I tried to push them away.

So for many, this is merely a song made famous by an artist but for others it really is a step up and a lifeline for many who need it.

I know I did.

helicopter parents

So I have this small problem where I'll sit down to read one of these crazy articles that's shared through Facebook and I won't move for two days! You know what I'm talking about. Those shares that are titled something like "20 people who share the worst thing they've said to someone," or something along those lines.

The most recent one I was going through was titled "22 teachers reveal the worst cases of helicopter parents they ever had to deal with." Let me just say, there are some CRAZY people in this world! Don't get me wrong, I have contacted my sons teachers when I had concerns about his behavior, grades, absences that I know weren't him skipping because he was home with me, etc. However, I don't think I've ever come across as a helicopter parent. I have genuine concerns and as far as making contact, I would literally gather up all the things I'd been meaning to talk to his teacher(s) about and maybe contact them once a month with my concerns unless it was something that had to be handled immediately. My kid is actually a pretty good kid, but he's lazy so obviously grades are our number one issue. I've never been one of those parents however, to blame the teacher for my child getting bad grades. If he got a 70 then he most likely deserved it because he was too lazy to put forth any effort on the assignment. My concerns are usually things like, "how is this going to affect his final grade" or "I see a few zeroes for days he was absent so did he not pick up the makeup work or what's going on?" Things like that…

Reading the things that teachers had to say however, actually concerned me quite a bit. We are now living in a generation of brats who think they're entitled to anything and everything they want, that they are special, and the worst part is, their parents who were definitely raised in a different time and manner, are supporting their attitudes! I don't get it! Why would you allow your child to think that way? You're only crippling them! No one disciplines their children anymore. No one holds them accountable for their actions, or in some cases, lack of actions. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I was raised to be responsible for my actions. I expect the same from my son. He's 15-years-old and he knows that if he screws up there will be consequences. I refuse to raise him in a fashion that would only cause him certain failure in his adult life. One day there won't be anyone there to pick up his messes, get him out of trouble and basically be his backbone and shoulder. At some point he will have to do it alone. He knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, drive and perform CPR as well as minor bandaging and nursing care due to my taking care of two ailing parents since my son was 4 years old. Yes, he's lazy in school and no I don't demand straight A's but I do demand he pass and by his school standards that's a 60. He knows I expect more of him than that. I demand at least 80's and while he could work harder, he does meet those expectations. I help him with his homework when he needs it but I refuse to do it for him. Again, I am not a perfect parent and my parents weren't perfect either, but they didn't raise me to believe the world owed me a damn thing and that's exactly how I'm raising my son.

Please, if you value your own future, stop raising and stop helping to raise, a world of self-entitled brats who think someone will always be there to coddle them!

I am an asshole

So, it was brought to my attention today that I am a soulless and heartless asshole. Well ok, that's one opinion. Maybe I am in some areas. Maybe I am when I've been there and can see situations for what they are. However, just because I don't share your opinion, that does not qualify me as an asshole. That means I am a person with my own thoughts and I express them, same as you.

I have been through a LOT in my almost 35 years on earth, most of which has occurred in the last 15 years alone. I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive household until I was a teenager and one day it just stopped. I feel like both of my parents just quit caring. I of course followed the path and ended up in several mentally and emotionally abusive relationships myself. I managed to avoid the physically abusive aspects, plus they've all known I would kill them if they laid a hand on me in a physical fashion. I would love to blame the men for the pain I suffered. The truth is, I have to start by looking in the mirror. I kept picking those guys. I kept getting into relationships with the same type of men and I chose to stay the duration I did with each of them. They didn’t force me. No one did. I accept responsibility for what.

At what point do we become accountable for our own actions? When we’re teenagers and most certainly know right from wrong, or at least should? Is it when we turn 18 and are legally considered adults? At 18 a whole new world opens up. We can vote, join the military, get married without parental permission, get tattoos, and a slew of other things.

I was called an asshole today because I called a 19 year old out on her choice to marry a man who already made her feel like shit from the moment they began dating. Long story short, this man is 8 years older than she is, and when they began dating, while she was 17, he was still hooked on and basically stalking his most recent ex-girlfriend. He would tell his new girlfriend all about her and how his ex did certain things better than she, as well as how much more attractive she was than the current. Straying from my adulthood point earlier, yes, I realize that she was only 17 but whoopty doo. Unless she was raised in a bubble, which she stated she was not, she knew that there was something wrong with his behavior and she chose to marry him anyway. Then she got on a Facebook group and proceeded to ask everyone what she should do about it. So I told her the truth, either speak to him and let him know how she feels, or leave before it gets worse. If it hasn't changed in two years, it certainly won't now that they are married. I was then bashed by hundreds of people telling me I was soulless and heartless, bashing a child like that. A child???? Who legally married someone without needing parental consent? Call me an asshole if you will for not agreeing with the majority, but she's no longer a child, wasn't raised in a bubble, and made the decision to get married, on her own, to a man who treated her like garbage from day 1.

I guess today I'll be an asshole. Oh well!

I had an epiphany!

Today I had an epiphany. 

I have always been an advocate for the whole “your childhood doesn’t determine who you are, because even if it sucks, you can use that and come out as a better adult.” 

My epiphany today is that I am a total hypocrite. I have been in several relationships over the last 10 years that have always been mentally and emotionally abusive. I have let men treat me however they want to and get away with it because I felt like I was doing the right thing by staying and trying to make it work and trying to make them happy. I don’t necessarily want to blame my parents for this because yes, I could’ve come out stronger and walked away every time when things got bad, but these are the types of relationships that I was conditioned for as a child. My parents never got divorced, even if they definitely should have. For years, I watched my father physically abuse my mother until one day that just stopped. However, he was always mentally and emotionally abusive and that never really stopped until she got sick and then passed away. He would get angry and throw things. He would degrade her for not making a better dinner. I can't count how many times I cleaned food out of carpet. Mashed potatoes and rice were the worst!

My mom stayed though, because of us, her children. I haven’t had any children with the men that I have been in relationships with but I do have a son by someone I was having a sexual relationship with and I think that I always tried hard to make it work in my other relationships so that he would have a father figure around. But what have I taught him really? He’s 15 and soon he’ll be on his own, but he’s already dating and I worry. A lot. He tells me that he’s fine and that me being with these men has just made him realize what kind of man he doesn’t want to ever grow up to be but in reality, will he turn out to be the same type of man? Will he put a woman down even when she’s trying? Will he lie to her constantly so that he can go do what he wants to do? Will she sit at home feeling reassured that he’s not out doing something stupid when in actuality he really is? Will he break a woman to the point of losing her, or worse, she loses herself? I worry about the same things with women doing this to him, but I worry more that as much as he wants to distance himself from this type of behavior, that he'll turn out just like them. I always said I would never grow up to be like my mom, as we all do at some point, but I am turning into her. I'm already like her in so many ways. This isn't always a bad thing as my mother was an amazing woman, but I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve because I feel like I can't do it on my own. Staying single is definitely helping with that!

Gizmo’s One!

To be honest, I’ve always grown up with a pet of some sort. I’ve never been a crazy pet mom though. You now the type. The ones who dress up their animals or bake them their own birthday cake. However, something has happened to me in adulthood and I’ve turned into that type of pet parent. Gizmo makes it so easy! He’s so fun but easy going too. He lets me put shirts on him and he wears them with pride! He’s incredibly spoiled and has me wrapped around his paw!

Today is his FIRST birthday! I got him when he was 9 and 1/2 weeks old and he’s brought me more joy and love than I thought imaginable from a fur baby. He helped me through a serious addiction, two breakups (one of which was the end of a 6.5 year relationship) and some serious depression. He’s made me get out of bed and get moving and he’s brightened far too many dark days. So of COURSE I have to celebrate his birthday!

I didn't get to go all out like I wanted to, however, he got to go for a super long ride in the car, some special treats and new clothes!

Look how tiny he was when I got him compared to now! He's still my itty bitty baby though and will not grow anymore so I will forever have an itty bitty baby to love on!

July 1, 2017 - day of adoption!