once an addict......

Addiction starts with a choice...a choice to do something, or try something that eventually causes ones brain and body to crave it and need it forever. No one ever knocks an addiction. It's something one will carry with them their entire life. It's something they'll spend their entire life battling and trying to overcome. Quitting their addiction merely makes them a recovering addict, but an addict none-the-less.

I'm an addict, or rather a recovering addict. I would love to be able to say I'm a former addict, as in, I quit my addiction(s) more than say...10 years ago, but that's not the case. The fact that I also still think about how great I felt when I was using my drug of choice, I feel I'm still recovering. It took me a long time to gain the courage to admit I was addicted and it took even longer for me to accept it, change it, and be able to discuss it. 

The first time that I tried something that's considered addictive, and would prove to be addictive to me later in life, I was 18. The feeling was amazing! The highs were so high! But oh man, the lows were even lower. Coming down was even worse. I quit cold turkey though, and I actually had no cravings. I found other things to occupy my time with and I didn't really want it anymore. Years, many years later, I found myself feeling trapped in my everyday life. I never went anywhere anymore. I didn't really have many friends to talk to and if I did want to hang out with people, they would never come here because it was always too far to drive (even though I always went to their houses). I was just lonely, even with my son, father and boyfriend at home. I just wanted to be free and happy again. I practically became an adult and a mother at the same time and so I grew up faster than most. I missed out on a lot in my younger years or so that's how I felt. I began remembering the fun times, the high times, always being up for extended periods of time. I wanted that back. I thought to myself that if I knocked the habit at 18 for all these years, then I could do it again easily once I got my life back where I wanted it. It started slow, as in every other weekend when I needed a perk. Then it became every weekend. Then going without it just felt impossible. When I finally slept, I woke up feeling like crap and wishing I was dead. It would take days for me to recover and be able to breathe again properly. It was seriously taking a toll on me. I was neglecting my child and not doing anything around the house. I would literally stay in bed all the time, either wide awake from drugs, or tired from coming down or sick because I'd go on week long benders. I lost some weight because I didn't want to eat. I threw up every time I finished a bender and I would get to a point where I'd say I need to stop and chill for the rest of the night or day but then I'd have some left and continue doing it until it was all gone and I was mad because it was gone.

So, I made a choice again. I chose to quit. I did so without help from anyone. I can't say it's been easy. It will get easier but I'm sure I will always have those cravings. I will always desire those highs but I will always remember those lows. When I start craving it and am tempted to score some, I think about the times I felt like crap and the damage I did to my nose. That outweighs the highs by a long shot.

I think my reason for writing this post now is because in recent weeks, a lot has happened that has made me want to turn back to the drugs, badly. I crave them more now than I did when I was "detoxing." However, I felt like putting that into something positive, such as getting my story out there, it would help me remember why I quit and why I want to stay clean. I hope it helps someone else too.

This also leads up to my next post, about being bipolar and what the drugs did for me…