1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-8255. This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Like many others, I didn’t know this until that damn song came out. I was confused as to why Shazam kept popping up with a phone number for a song until I looked it up and listened to the words of the song. It got it's point across though.

Those who contact these hotlines and speak out about wanting to commit suicide usually do so in hopes someone will stop them. Please note that I said, USUALLY. They still have a spark of hope left in them. I didn’t. Or at least I thought I didn’t. Let me back up and tell you my story…

I spent 6 years, 4 months and 3 days in a very toxic relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. I don't blame him for everything though. I won't play the victim here. I bare my portion of the responsibility.

Whether he’ll ever see this, I don’t know, but I do want him to know that I take responsibility for my faults. Technically I was in an "open relationship" with another man when this guy and I began seeing each other. He moved in immediately after that relationship ended and that guy moved out. I know I didn’t make living here easy. It was my house. Things had a certain place and were done a certain way. I budged on a lot of stuff though. I spent countless dollars keeping him out of major jail time and other troubles and helping him get his license back. When he didn’t want to work, sure I pressed the issue, but I made it easy. I supported him. I let him drive one vehicle until it was beyond repair. I let him drive mine and even got a loan for another one so we would both have means of transportation. I essentially gave him the means to go where he wanted, when he wanted, and with who he wanted. I funded it. Sure I fussed and we argued but oh man did he know how to twist and manipulate things until I felt guilty and he still got his way. I was scared to walk away for fear of being alone. During all of this, I was also raising a child who has a very selfish and difficult biological father as well as taking care of my own father who is in a wheelchair and has aphasia from a stroke. My life had become others' property. It was no longer my own. Everything I did was for someone else, always. I didn’t really have many friends and those who did stick by me only had one bit of advice, "dump the jerk and move on." I wasn’t ready even though I knew deep down that it was probably for the best.

By the end of our relationship and the REASON it ended, I had it my head by this point that everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn’t seek out help. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I literally laid in bed one night and wrote my suicide note in my head. I was going to do it the next morning after my boyfriend took my son to school and left to do whatever he was doing (which was most likely cheating). That same night when I finally fell into what felt like a restless sleep, I had a dream that I had done it but I guess my soul was still there because I could see myself like I was looking down on myself from above. I watched my son come home from school and find my lifeless body and I saw his reaction. It was literally like something from a movie. His life fast forwarded quickly throughout my dream and I saw him growing up without me and always wondering why I chose to abandon him. The next morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t do what I had been doing this whole time anymore. I made the decision to let go of the guy that I was dating and thought I had been in love with for six years when in reality we hadn’t been in love for quite some time. The day that I told him to leave, it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I literally instantly felt so much better.

When I first heard that song and actually listened to the words and realized what was going on in the song I became incredibly curious. I used my Shazam app to find out the title of the song and I initially thought that a phone number couldn’t be right but then I looked it up and sure enough it was the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and it made so much sense. The words of the song made so much more sense now. I could relate to it, every single word, because in the beginning I wanted to die, I felt like I had no other choices left. But then after having that dream and realizing what it would do to my son, I wanted to live if not for anyone else, even myself, at least for him. Since I broke up with my ex, my entire world has changed. I get along better with the people in my life who stuck by me even though I tried to push them away.

So for many, this is merely a song made famous by an artist but for others it really is a step up and a lifeline for many who need it.

I know I did.