Facebook warriors unite!

I do not understand Facebook warriors, or social media warriors in general. For instance, I belong to many groups on Facebook. I belong to hobby groups for things like bullet journals and crafting. I belong to selling groups. I belong to female only groups. In every single group and all over social media really, people love to comment on shit just to start shit. Yea yea yea. I get it. When you post things on social media for the entire world to see, you should definitely expect some pushback. However, we’ll use the buy and sell groups for example. What is the point of commenting on someone’s listing if you have no intention of buying their product or utilizing their services? Why post some shit saying someone is overcharging for something or comments on the condition of the item? If you don’t want it, just keep scrolling. How hard is that? Or, in one of the money groups I’m in, when people post a request for funds needed for something that seems frivolous to others, why comment and say shit like, “why post this shit? No one wants to fund your smoking habit?” Yes. I also know it’s probably not best to go online asking people to give you money for things like cigarettes or help paying your phone bill, etc., however, if you don’t want to donate, keep it moving! Most of these groups have admin approval for posts so if admins allow it to be posted then they saw nothing wrong with it. It’s also not your right or mine to judge anyone else. It’s not our place. So instead of giving people a hard time, just keep fucking scrolling. It’s not that hard, but goodness gracious, the animosity towards other peoples’ posts is ridiculous! When I see these comments, I really get a picture in my head of some 40 year old overweight balding man in a tank top, basketball shorts and flip flops, living in his parents basement just sitting in front of a computer anticipating the next chance he’ll have to fuck up someone else’s day. He literally only gets up to use the bathroom and his mother still cooks for him and fixes him a plate every meal and brings it to him in the basement. It’s not a pretty image. 

No this hasn’t happened to me personally but I see it every time I log in to Facebook or Instagram and it literally makes me want to leave these groups. I’m in them for various reasons though and I stay because every once in a blue moon, people are actually nice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes. The title is my attempt at passive aggressiveness or being a smart ass. Not my finest work but it will do.

52 Weeks - Week 1

Well. This is it. The 52 Weeks of Self Reflection that I promised! 

Week 1 – What is your favorite physical characteristic (face or body)? Describe a time you felt proud of that feature.

I think I’d have to say my hair. I used to dye it, perm it and basically just put it through hell. The last time I had a major haircut, she probably took a good 12 inches of horribly dry and dead hair. It was so bad that I couldn’t even get a brush through it, even with it coated in leave-in conditioner! My hair was rather short after that haircut. I could barely tuck it behind my ear which drove me crazy. I’ve basically always had long hair, except for a few years in my late 20s where I had one version of the proverbial mom cut.

Now however, it’s down to my ass, super smooth, soft and healthy. I love it when it dries all curly with no help from any kind of product except a proper wash and conditioning with good, safe shampoo and conditioner. I wear it up mostly because it does get annoying, but when it’s cooler weather and I’m not sweating like crazy (sweating and the SC humidity makes it frizzy), I comb it after a shower, leave it down, do a little tussle with my fingers to separate it more and let it air dry. It gets so curly, frizz free and I don’t have to add anything to it like mousse or leave-in conditioner. #teamnaturalhair #curlyhairdontcare

A new challenge

So I tend to start things and never finish. I love to make lists and answer questions though. So I always participate in a little think called 30 Days of Lists. I just really like making lists. 

Anyway! For 2021, I think I’m going to do a year long challenge. It’s basically a 52 Weeks of Self Reflection. I’ll be posting every Sunday beginning on January 3, 2021. Hopefully. I honestly don’t think anyone reads this blog, but that’s ok. This is for me and something I really want to try. I hope I keep up with it and actually finish something for once!

If anyone out there is reading, keep an eye out for this new series of posts! Join along if you’d like!

Have a kid they said.....

Raising kids is fucking hard. There. I said it. I’m sure every parent thinks it but what parent really wants to admit it? In today’s technologically advanced age, it’s easy to fake the perfect life for the world to see. We only make sweet quotes about what Junior did today or we post only the good pictures of the kids decorating Christmas cookies. No one wants to share the meltdowns, the unfolded pile of laundry or the sink full of dishes. No one wants to show the awful messes the kids make or videos of siblings basically trying to kill each other. From the outside looking in, every family looks perfect. 

Let me say, it’s not easy for any parent, no matter your age. I was 19 when I gave birth to my son. He’ll be 17 in two weeks and he thinks he knows it all. I know. I know. That just teenagers. This is just......different. I have literally known nothing but a life of motherhood and caregiving for the last 17 years. Not only have I been raising him alone, but I also took care of my mother before she passed and I’ve been caring for my father for almost 13 years now. This week has been a roller coaster and I now know that I’ve failed the one and only job I actually thought I was good at. Motherhood. Now I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I no longer have a reason to be here. 

Let me explain. I have always been open and honest with my son about my life, past and present. I have always encouraged a communicative lifestyle between he and I. I have spoiled him rotten because I always knew that he would be my only child. I wanted him to have more than I did growing up. I have allowed him to do many things that most people would never even think about allowing. But I failed where it mattered most. I failed to discipline him. I failed in letting him know what his limits really were. I have failed motherhood with a big fat F circled in red. It has recently come back to bite me in the ass. Now I don’t know what to do with him or myself. Motherhood really is all I have known for the last 17 years. I haven’t worked in over 13 years outside of the home because I spent that time caring for my mother and now my father. That also allowed me to be there 24/7 with and for my son as he was growing up. Recent events have lead to major arguments and sides being picked and of course he chooses the side of his girlfriend. This doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that he has become downright disrespectful to me, to the point where I told him that maybe he needed to pack his things and go stay with his father for a while. This is a man that my son has never had a consistent or solid relationship with but I have hit the point where I just want to quit. I don’t want to be a parent anymore. 

Don’t get me wrong. I knew that being a parent was going to be hard. I knew it would have its ups and downs. I knew there would be arguments and hugs. I knew there would come a day when there would be trouble as well, because my son is exactly like me. I, however, never dreamed that he would be worse than I was at that age. I’m at a loss because motherhood was the one thing that I thought I was doing right in life and now it turns out that I couldn’t even do that right! The things that he has said to me recently, I honestly don’t think I will ever get over. He has broken my heart worse than any other person has in my life and I never thought I would see the day when that would happen. Yes, I anticipated disappointments but this is so much more. This is actual heartbreak that I am feeling. I don’t know what to do honestly. Maybe someone else has all the answers, and if you do I applaud you. Perhaps you could share some of them with me. It’s not cheating. After all, what’s the saying? “It takes a village.” For the time being, I suppose I will take it one day at a time and see where we end up.

trophies for parenting, get over yourself...

Someone, explain it to me, please. I don't get why parents feel compelled to brag about every single thing that they do as a parent while also expecting some kind of recognition for it. It reminds me of kids getting trophies for participating. In fact, I bet these parents all got participation trophies when they were kids! It's the only way to explain it.

Every single day, I log on to Facebook to see what my friends and family are up to, catch up on news stories, real and fake, ha!, and just keep in touch with the world, let them know I'm still alive. Every single day, I see the same posts, "I swore I'd never be that mom, but look what I did last night even though little Billy had three weeks to complete it!" There are others, "my kids better know how lucky they are with all the sacrifices I made for them this week!" HELLO! You're a parent. Your job is to care for those kids and yes, that means making sacrifices. As a parent, and a single one at that, I know all too well what it means to give up your life for someone else and make sacrifices for them, but those are the prices you pay for having children. If it's not the life you wanted, then don't get pregnant, or give your kid up for adoption or just stop seeking praise for it! We all know it's hard. We all want someone to talk to once in a while and yes, we do want praise for keeping our kids alive, but seriously, every single day? Do you need recognition every single day? I'm thinking that honestly, if you do, then you need something else in your life, a therapist, medication, more friends, something.

Look, to all the parents out there, and I mean ALL THE PARENTS (if you're actually taking care of your kids) out there, you're doing an amazing job! Yes, you deserve recognition for keeping your crotch monkeys alive each and every day. I'm the advocate for parent presents on kids birthdays! I mean, why should the kids get presents, just for being born? We should get gifts for creating, birthing, raising, and keeping them alive for another year! We should be recognized for that, at least once a year, but we do not need daily recognition. We do not need to know how much you spoil your children. We do not need to know that you do all of your kids school projects because they were too lazy to do them, or seek help when they were assigned the project, or were too focused on a video game to remember the project to begin with. In the end, this will come back to bite you in the ass because when your child grows up to be 25, an idiot, living at home and flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant, you're merely going to have a black and white electronic record of all the ways you allowed this to happen and then you'll sit there and naively wonder "where did I go wrong?" Some people, not saying me, but some people might just laugh and ask you "are you fucking serious" while slinging out screenshot after screenshot of your mistakes. Yes, we all make mistakes but we don't need to document them! Am I right?!?!!?!?!?

Back to School Shopping - Parents, Quit Your Bitching

Every. Single. Year. It happens every single year in August, September for some locations. Back to school = back to school shopping. With this also comes the massive amount of parents whining and bitching about the back to school shopping lists. I'm here to say STOP. Just stop. Please.

Do you have any idea what it takes to care for your sniffling, sneezing, writing, active little "darling" children every day in a classroom? You should if you spent any time with them over the summer. You know they don't like to sit still. You know they want to play and use a lot of supplies and patience to keep your house in one piece.

During the school year, one, MAYBE two teachers are responsible for the classroom they teach in. This includes keeping it damage free as well as supplied. Some schools give their teachers budgets, some don't. Even those with a classroom budget will tell you, it's never enough! Kids waste things. They lose things. They destroy things. Teachers come out of pocket every single year to ensure your children have all the supplies they'll need to be successful during the school year. Some of them spend practically their entire paycheck on YOUR children and you have the nerve to grumble about buying a box of tissue and some hand sanitizer.

These parents are usually the same ones grumbling about having to take a day off from work because irresponsible mom Jenny sent Timmy to school sick and their poor little Ben got sick because there was no hand sanitizer or tissues for him to use.

So stop. Just pick up your back to school list. Buy the damn supplies and maybe a little extra for that poor kid who couldn't afford them and support your teachers! They are shaping your children for the future and dammit they deserve more than a mom getting angry over an extra pack of pencils.

PS. A lot of kids also have back to school parties and giveaways of school supplies so if you are one of those that cannot afford supplies, perhaps see if your area has this going on and partake in it! Take advantage of that opportunity for your kid so he or she has all the tools needed for a successful school year!

extreme couponing

I miss couponing. I really do. I wasn't aware of just how much until recently when we had to decrease our food budget because of financial reasons and the amount of groceries we get barely gets us by. I have a growing teenager for crying out loud! It's also about to be Summer vacation! He's out but their particular school doesn't officially let out until Friday. Still, Summer vacation means more time at home, more bored lazy days and so much more eating, simply because he's bored and thinks he's hungry! Once upon a time I was a hard core coupon clipper and I would stockpile during sales while using those coupons. I would plan our meals around our stockpile. Then I quit stockpiling and I would just plan meals around what was on sale and along with coupons would provide the most cost efficient meals.

Eventually I just starting shopping sales and quit with coupons because I burned out on couponing. Then it got to a point where we just shopped for what we had a craving for. Maybe that's why we started having financial troubles! Back when we didn't have to be so "frugal," we were. Lately, we haven't been quite so frugal and it's become quite difficult just making sure we have the money to get food for the whole month. So yes, I miss discounts and actually having money. Living paycheck to paycheck, just barely, is killing me!

I've noticed lately, people don't discuss couponing like they used to. When I first got into it myself, it was incredibly popular and while nothing new, it was more prominent because people were either trying to save money to support their families, or in the case of the TV show, there were some real weird people out there. As stated before, we didn't really have to be frugal during my time of couponing but I loved being able to fill up our house with stuff we would use and possibly not have to shop for a couple months if I didn't want to. I have to admit I was also addicted to watching the price fall on the register as coupons were scanned and knowing I could get stuff way cheaper than most people. When Extreme Couponing premiered on TV, it became a sort of sport or fad, if you will. People would literally compete with each other to see who could save the most money or have the biggest coupon collection. I noticed people on the show were incredibly proud of their huge coupon collections but the problem in my eyes was, what's the point in having such a large collection when you'll never use that many or in some cases, they didn't use half of them. They would merely clip every coupon from a circular simply because it was there and it made their coupon collection bigger. I personally only clipped coupons for things we would need and possibly things I could get for other people. I had a few people I would share circulars with. I would clip the ones I needed and pass the rest along and usually I found people that could use them so they didn't go to waste. I never took pride in the size of my coupon collection but I did pride my stockpile.

After a while, this "fad" wore down. My personal reasons were because I just got tired of doing it all day on Sunday when the coupons came out and then spending another day of the week planning out a shopping trip when new sale papers came out and then yet another full day meal planning, matching coupons with sales and such and lastly, another full day doing the actual shopping, unloading at home, putting everything away and separating into meal size portions for us. I felt like it was all I was doing, like a full time volunteer position or something. For others, I can only guess why they slowed down or stopped. Many stores began issuing their own store coupons or rewards programs. Stores also began changing their policies to keep people from overdoing it and cleaning out their shelves. Coupons have always had limitations on them but stores could decide whether to follow them or go another way such as allowing cashiers to key in the coupon discounts. This was costing stores time, some money and again, people were clearing shelves. Articles I later read regarding some of the stores featured on the show, stated that many stores were in on the shops and that it wasn't normal for people to shop like that there. This caused a lot of issues because every-day regular shoppers weren't allowed to get the amazing discounts or use the amount of coupons the people on the shows did so they would get angry with store owners and managers. I feel like this is probably one of the main reasons so many stores changed their policies.

I was watching old episodes (obviously since it's no longer being filmed) recently and while there were a few people on the show that reminded me of myself, there were others that STILL had me wondering to myself, "what the hell is wrong with some people?" It further solidified my opinion of humanity. I found myself wondering if the people on that show still shopped like that or if they possibly underwent "Coupon-aholics Anonymous." There were literally people on the show who would dumpster dive or even send their friends in to dumpsters to retrieve coupons. The people who continued to add to their stockpile when they had more than enough to share with another country, probably baffled me the most. I mean, these peoples houses looked like they belonged on episode of hoarders but with new stuff versus trash. There was literally no room to move in their homes but yet they continued to buy stuff. There were people literally adding on to their houses and buying storage sheds to pack their stockpiles in. What's the point? Seriously. Much of that stuff, the food items and personal care items, would expire LONG before they would ever be needed so essentially they'd go to waste. Whatever people saved or even sometimes made on those items was a waste as well because they would end up having to replace it later and with all the new restrictions, it's unlikely they would make a profit on it now. Some places actually charge you a few cents per coupon you use!

One lady in particular held my heart in the palm of her hand as I could relate to her, until the end of the episode that is. She herself was a big couponer but she was getting tired of it. She not only shopped for her own home and family but also for her parents. When she told her parents that she was taking a break, she taught them what to do and took them to the store to show them personally how it worked. They were literally riding their scooters around the store collecting their items and generally berating her if she didn't grab an item or she grabbed the wrong one. I felt bad for her all through this. The moment she broke my heart though, was at the register. I felt like she was a victim of bossy over-controlling parents but oh my word, when they got to the register, she herself began barking at her parents about watching the register for EVERY item and EVERY coupon and if they turned away for a split second she would yell at them that they may be missing a crucial discount. I sure hope her attitude turned out better once she finally took a break from couponing. 

Part of the reason I personally became burned out on it, wasn't just from all the clipping, sorting, and filing but my boyfriend and I at that time would have some nasty arguments because he would fail to use certain coupons, get a raincheck for sale items that the store was out of, or if some coupons that should have doubled didn't. I went through every single line of every single receipt. It was literally ruining our relationship because I was obsessed. I actually did end up buying a bunch of stuff that we didn't need or would never use before it went bad. By the time I'm burned out on couponing, I realized I had actually ended up losing out on some money in certain areas. We ended up with a lot of stuff that we would never use beyond expiration dates. I could've tried to sell stuff but honestly, I was so sick of seeing all the stuff that I ended up giving away items we would never use or I had to throw stuff out because it was well passed its expiration date. Trust me when I say, when toothpaste expires, toss it. Please! I also didn't feel right making money off of other people, especially if I got most or all of that stuff free. I see people now posting items on Facebook for sale and while they are charging people less than full price in the store, they are still making a profit because they got it all for free. I know because while I don't coupon right now, I do still follow sales as well as my favorite bloggers who list what coupons are available and when and I know for a fact that all of those items were completely free for those people. People could clip coupons and get all this stuff for free themselves but they're paying someone else for them on Facebook to get them a mere dollar cheaper. 

After watching the show and going through our financial woes recently, I do plan on getting back into it. Desperate times call for desperate measures but this time I will be sensible, reasonable, and responsible. Lack of space in our house and more common sense have made me see I only need to stock up on what we NEED and what we'll use in a timely fashion!

life is fucking hard!

I tell my son every day, being an adult is hard. REALLY FUCKING HARD. For those that make it look easy, YAY! But I'll be damned if I'm sugarcoating shit for my kid. Maybe that makes me a terrible mother. Maybe it makes me the greatest one on planet earth. It doesn't matter what other people think, as long as I think I'm doing ok and he's happy and healthy, right? He thinks I'm doing just fine and I'm ok with that. I just don't want my kid growing up thinking that life is going to be a bed of roses, or a cake walk, or whatever other crappy metaphor you want to put forth. A while back I had a writing exercise when I was trying to “open up my writing senses” and become a better writer, that required me to write a letter to a younger me. I really can't remember if I was allowed to choose an age or if it chose it for me, but the letter was to a 13 year old me. This is some shit I wish my parents had told me. Instead of my mother always saying “never rely on a man” or my father saying “learn to change your oil,” I wish they would have said “learn to SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN and find a way to make it happen.” Seriously! Well here goes.

Dear 13 year old Robin,

          Life is fucking tough. Plain and simple. I won't sugarcoat shit here. It's ok to cry. It's ok to get upset and be hurt. However, get used to it, have your little upset moment and move the hell on. It's going to happen. A lot. Life won't always be as easy as it is now. There won't be someone around to clean up your messes, pick up your shit or clean up after your lazy ass so get a move on now! Even if you work hard to meet your goals, even if you meet your goals, life is still going to be hard and one long ass roller-coaster. You'll want to get off long before it stops and you'll spend a lot of the time holding in your feelings so you don't vomit all over the person in front of you. Having people that stand by you no matter what helps lighten the load or at least makes it easier to carry. That's not to say you need a hundred friends. Only have people in your life that truly want you for nothing other than your friendship. If you notice they only talk to you or come around when you're happy, have money, or are doing something that will benefit their lives, cut them loose. It'll get lonely. There will come a time when you might not have anyone by your side, but then people will come along and make you realize that being alone wasn't so bad because they'll have your back no matter what. Learn now that no one has the right to judge you. NO ONE. If they do, it's because there is something in THEIR lives that they are unhappy with. People will talk, tease and try to find a way to bring you and others down. It's what unhappy people do. Don't be that person. It will get you nowhere in life. You'll be lonely and it will not have been worth it. Wait to have sex! Seriously. Or just commit to having casual sex and ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. I know, I know. That sounds absolutely terrible, the first part anyway, but it's true. If you like sex but really know you don't want to be settled down, lay the rules down first. Don't get your heart caught up in a temporary pleasurable sensation. If you don't think your emotions can handle the ride, then just WAIT to have sex. Wait until you're older and truly in love. It'll mean more then. You'll know when it's right. Always listen to that little voice inside, ALWAYS. It'll never steer you wrong and if it does, it'll be worth it in the end because everything happens for a reason. If you're not going to be proud of the outcome of the decision you're making, then don't make the decision. Choose the alternative route, every time. Don't make promises you don't intend on keeping. Sometimes we say things like “I promise to stop tapping my nails” or something else incredibly stupid but it's just a random promise. You never know who might be listening to these promises and who might be taking them seriously so if you're bound to not keeping your word, then just don't use the word "promise" unless it's something as serious as death and taxes. If you break a promise, a legitimate one, it should be because you had absolutely no possible other choice, plain and simple. Apologize, beg for forgiveness, and NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN. Own up to your mistakes. Be the kind of person your parents, future husband, and future children will be proud of. Be someone you'd be proud of and always be proud of who you are.

Sincerely,

35 Year Old Robin who really could have used ALL of this advice 17-20 friggin' years ago!

co-parenting with my mom

My son and I love talking about my mom. We talk about how they used to play together, and it astonishes me that my son can remember things he did at the age of 4 or younger. A lot of kids later in life don't remember those ages. Maybe it's because he's still close to that age or maybe he just REALLY loved his Nana and remembers her that well, but he can bring up things I can't remember!

It came to my attention not too long ago however, that he was told my mother raised him and not me. I have to say that this pisses me off. Yes, my mother helped me in so many ways. I never moved out so of course he had extended family in this house. My mother babysat for me, so I didn't have to pay for daycare and yes, she watched him for me to go out with friends, however, that didn't happen often and it was HER idea. Her words were “why pay strangers to watch him when he can be with family for free.” I also used my paychecks when I was working to buy groceries, help with bills, and I did the cooking and cleaning around here.

For the first year of my son's life, I took him to every appointment, fed him 90% of his meals and rocked him to sleep 95% of the time. My mother was with there WITH me through all of this. I was 19 when my son was born. My mother helped me through all of the sleepless nights, mounds of baby clothes and various doctors’ appointments but not once in that first year did I request or expect her do it, neither alone nor with me, and she didn’t take care of him alone. We did it together, like a married couple would. She was my son's "father" during that year.

In 2005 after his first birthday, I began college on campus. My mother watched my son for me while I was in class. Generally, I came straight home from classes and occasionally I would call my mother and ask if I could hang out with friends after class. If she said she didn't mind, then I would stay out for a couple hours, but I was always home to rock my son to sleep. When I began working that would sometimes change as I was in school all day and at work until we closed at 11 every night. I'd get home after midnight and if my son woke up, I cared for him and got him back to sleep. It was no different than a married couples’ relationship except she was my mother. She was the father my son didn't have. His father was off playing daddy to a brood of children that were NOT his. During the times I was working and going to school, the ONLY time I went out after work was if mom told me my son was sleeping well and probably wouldn't wake up, or if he was actually at his fathers for the weekend. During this time, my mother did take my son to appointments and oftentimes she was the one to deliver him to his father or pick him up from his father, however, it was not because I was out partying. It was because I was trying to get an education and earn a paycheck.

During the time I was in classes online, and working from 7am-6pm every day, I went grocery shopping with MY money, fed MY family on MY paychecks and came home and cooked dinner for everyone in this house. It was a fair trade for my family and for my mother to watch my son. She saved me money in daycare fees and I took care of the family. There are those that only got ONE side of the story or only saw what they wanted to see. My son was very close to my mother and he misses her dearly all the time. For that, I will never regret the way he was raised, especially those first 4 (almost 5) years of his life. If anyone has a problem with that or thinks that I didn't care for my own son, screw you. I was and still am a good mother. My love for my son and his love for me is proof of that. While most teenagers his age would rather be out with friends or anywhere but home, he’s totally fine with watching a movie on Netflix and chilling with his mom, and trust me, he has a lot of friends who like to come over here and hang out so it’s not for a lack of a social life on his part. I have nothing to apologize for when it comes to how he was raised. He was and still is loved a ton, and that’s all that matters.

once an addict......

Addiction starts with a choice...a choice to do something, or try something that eventually causes ones brain and body to crave it and need it forever. No one ever knocks an addiction. It's something one will carry with them their entire life. It's something they'll spend their entire life battling and trying to overcome. Quitting their addiction merely makes them a recovering addict, but an addict none-the-less.

I'm an addict, or rather a recovering addict. I would love to be able to say I'm a former addict, as in, I quit my addiction(s) more than say...10 years ago, but that's not the case. The fact that I also still think about how great I felt when I was using my drug of choice, I feel I'm still recovering. It took me a long time to gain the courage to admit I was addicted and it took even longer for me to accept it, change it, and be able to discuss it. 

The first time that I tried something that's considered addictive, and would prove to be addictive to me later in life, I was 18. The feeling was amazing! The highs were so high! But oh man, the lows were even lower. Coming down was even worse. I quit cold turkey though, and I actually had no cravings. I found other things to occupy my time with and I didn't really want it anymore. Years, many years later, I found myself feeling trapped in my everyday life. I never went anywhere anymore. I didn't really have many friends to talk to and if I did want to hang out with people, they would never come here because it was always too far to drive (even though I always went to their houses). I was just lonely, even with my son, father and boyfriend at home. I just wanted to be free and happy again. I practically became an adult and a mother at the same time and so I grew up faster than most. I missed out on a lot in my younger years or so that's how I felt. I began remembering the fun times, the high times, always being up for extended periods of time. I wanted that back. I thought to myself that if I knocked the habit at 18 for all these years, then I could do it again easily once I got my life back where I wanted it. It started slow, as in every other weekend when I needed a perk. Then it became every weekend. Then going without it just felt impossible. When I finally slept, I woke up feeling like crap and wishing I was dead. It would take days for me to recover and be able to breathe again properly. It was seriously taking a toll on me. I was neglecting my child and not doing anything around the house. I would literally stay in bed all the time, either wide awake from drugs, or tired from coming down or sick because I'd go on week long benders. I lost some weight because I didn't want to eat. I threw up every time I finished a bender and I would get to a point where I'd say I need to stop and chill for the rest of the night or day but then I'd have some left and continue doing it until it was all gone and I was mad because it was gone.

So, I made a choice again. I chose to quit. I did so without help from anyone. I can't say it's been easy. It will get easier but I'm sure I will always have those cravings. I will always desire those highs but I will always remember those lows. When I start craving it and am tempted to score some, I think about the times I felt like crap and the damage I did to my nose. That outweighs the highs by a long shot.

I think my reason for writing this post now is because in recent weeks, a lot has happened that has made me want to turn back to the drugs, badly. I crave them more now than I did when I was "detoxing." However, I felt like putting that into something positive, such as getting my story out there, it would help me remember why I quit and why I want to stay clean. I hope it helps someone else too.

This also leads up to my next post, about being bipolar and what the drugs did for me…