co-parenting with my mom

My son and I love talking about my mom. We talk about how they used to play together, and it astonishes me that my son can remember things he did at the age of 4 or younger. A lot of kids later in life don't remember those ages. Maybe it's because he's still close to that age or maybe he just REALLY loved his Nana and remembers her that well, but he can bring up things I can't remember!

It came to my attention not too long ago however, that he was told my mother raised him and not me. I have to say that this pisses me off. Yes, my mother helped me in so many ways. I never moved out so of course he had extended family in this house. My mother babysat for me, so I didn't have to pay for daycare and yes, she watched him for me to go out with friends, however, that didn't happen often and it was HER idea. Her words were “why pay strangers to watch him when he can be with family for free.” I also used my paychecks when I was working to buy groceries, help with bills, and I did the cooking and cleaning around here.

For the first year of my son's life, I took him to every appointment, fed him 90% of his meals and rocked him to sleep 95% of the time. My mother was with there WITH me through all of this. I was 19 when my son was born. My mother helped me through all of the sleepless nights, mounds of baby clothes and various doctors’ appointments but not once in that first year did I request or expect her do it, neither alone nor with me, and she didn’t take care of him alone. We did it together, like a married couple would. She was my son's "father" during that year.

In 2005 after his first birthday, I began college on campus. My mother watched my son for me while I was in class. Generally, I came straight home from classes and occasionally I would call my mother and ask if I could hang out with friends after class. If she said she didn't mind, then I would stay out for a couple hours, but I was always home to rock my son to sleep. When I began working that would sometimes change as I was in school all day and at work until we closed at 11 every night. I'd get home after midnight and if my son woke up, I cared for him and got him back to sleep. It was no different than a married couples’ relationship except she was my mother. She was the father my son didn't have. His father was off playing daddy to a brood of children that were NOT his. During the times I was working and going to school, the ONLY time I went out after work was if mom told me my son was sleeping well and probably wouldn't wake up, or if he was actually at his fathers for the weekend. During this time, my mother did take my son to appointments and oftentimes she was the one to deliver him to his father or pick him up from his father, however, it was not because I was out partying. It was because I was trying to get an education and earn a paycheck.

During the time I was in classes online, and working from 7am-6pm every day, I went grocery shopping with MY money, fed MY family on MY paychecks and came home and cooked dinner for everyone in this house. It was a fair trade for my family and for my mother to watch my son. She saved me money in daycare fees and I took care of the family. There are those that only got ONE side of the story or only saw what they wanted to see. My son was very close to my mother and he misses her dearly all the time. For that, I will never regret the way he was raised, especially those first 4 (almost 5) years of his life. If anyone has a problem with that or thinks that I didn't care for my own son, screw you. I was and still am a good mother. My love for my son and his love for me is proof of that. While most teenagers his age would rather be out with friends or anywhere but home, he’s totally fine with watching a movie on Netflix and chilling with his mom, and trust me, he has a lot of friends who like to come over here and hang out so it’s not for a lack of a social life on his part. I have nothing to apologize for when it comes to how he was raised. He was and still is loved a ton, and that’s all that matters.

once an addict......

Addiction starts with a choice...a choice to do something, or try something that eventually causes ones brain and body to crave it and need it forever. No one ever knocks an addiction. It's something one will carry with them their entire life. It's something they'll spend their entire life battling and trying to overcome. Quitting their addiction merely makes them a recovering addict, but an addict none-the-less.

I'm an addict, or rather a recovering addict. I would love to be able to say I'm a former addict, as in, I quit my addiction(s) more than say...10 years ago, but that's not the case. The fact that I also still think about how great I felt when I was using my drug of choice, I feel I'm still recovering. It took me a long time to gain the courage to admit I was addicted and it took even longer for me to accept it, change it, and be able to discuss it. 

The first time that I tried something that's considered addictive, and would prove to be addictive to me later in life, I was 18. The feeling was amazing! The highs were so high! But oh man, the lows were even lower. Coming down was even worse. I quit cold turkey though, and I actually had no cravings. I found other things to occupy my time with and I didn't really want it anymore. Years, many years later, I found myself feeling trapped in my everyday life. I never went anywhere anymore. I didn't really have many friends to talk to and if I did want to hang out with people, they would never come here because it was always too far to drive (even though I always went to their houses). I was just lonely, even with my son, father and boyfriend at home. I just wanted to be free and happy again. I practically became an adult and a mother at the same time and so I grew up faster than most. I missed out on a lot in my younger years or so that's how I felt. I began remembering the fun times, the high times, always being up for extended periods of time. I wanted that back. I thought to myself that if I knocked the habit at 18 for all these years, then I could do it again easily once I got my life back where I wanted it. It started slow, as in every other weekend when I needed a perk. Then it became every weekend. Then going without it just felt impossible. When I finally slept, I woke up feeling like crap and wishing I was dead. It would take days for me to recover and be able to breathe again properly. It was seriously taking a toll on me. I was neglecting my child and not doing anything around the house. I would literally stay in bed all the time, either wide awake from drugs, or tired from coming down or sick because I'd go on week long benders. I lost some weight because I didn't want to eat. I threw up every time I finished a bender and I would get to a point where I'd say I need to stop and chill for the rest of the night or day but then I'd have some left and continue doing it until it was all gone and I was mad because it was gone.

So, I made a choice again. I chose to quit. I did so without help from anyone. I can't say it's been easy. It will get easier but I'm sure I will always have those cravings. I will always desire those highs but I will always remember those lows. When I start craving it and am tempted to score some, I think about the times I felt like crap and the damage I did to my nose. That outweighs the highs by a long shot.

I think my reason for writing this post now is because in recent weeks, a lot has happened that has made me want to turn back to the drugs, badly. I crave them more now than I did when I was "detoxing." However, I felt like putting that into something positive, such as getting my story out there, it would help me remember why I quit and why I want to stay clean. I hope it helps someone else too.

This also leads up to my next post, about being bipolar and what the drugs did for me…

1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-8255. This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Like many others, I didn’t know this until that damn song came out. I was confused as to why Shazam kept popping up with a phone number for a song until I looked it up and listened to the words of the song. It got it's point across though.

Those who contact these hotlines and speak out about wanting to commit suicide usually do so in hopes someone will stop them. Please note that I said, USUALLY. They still have a spark of hope left in them. I didn’t. Or at least I thought I didn’t. Let me back up and tell you my story…

I spent 6 years, 4 months and 3 days in a very toxic relationship, which ended a little over a year ago. I don't blame him for everything though. I won't play the victim here. I bare my portion of the responsibility.

Whether he’ll ever see this, I don’t know, but I do want him to know that I take responsibility for my faults. Technically I was in an "open relationship" with another man when this guy and I began seeing each other. He moved in immediately after that relationship ended and that guy moved out. I know I didn’t make living here easy. It was my house. Things had a certain place and were done a certain way. I budged on a lot of stuff though. I spent countless dollars keeping him out of major jail time and other troubles and helping him get his license back. When he didn’t want to work, sure I pressed the issue, but I made it easy. I supported him. I let him drive one vehicle until it was beyond repair. I let him drive mine and even got a loan for another one so we would both have means of transportation. I essentially gave him the means to go where he wanted, when he wanted, and with who he wanted. I funded it. Sure I fussed and we argued but oh man did he know how to twist and manipulate things until I felt guilty and he still got his way. I was scared to walk away for fear of being alone. During all of this, I was also raising a child who has a very selfish and difficult biological father as well as taking care of my own father who is in a wheelchair and has aphasia from a stroke. My life had become others' property. It was no longer my own. Everything I did was for someone else, always. I didn’t really have many friends and those who did stick by me only had one bit of advice, "dump the jerk and move on." I wasn’t ready even though I knew deep down that it was probably for the best.

By the end of our relationship and the REASON it ended, I had it my head by this point that everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn’t seek out help. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I literally laid in bed one night and wrote my suicide note in my head. I was going to do it the next morning after my boyfriend took my son to school and left to do whatever he was doing (which was most likely cheating). That same night when I finally fell into what felt like a restless sleep, I had a dream that I had done it but I guess my soul was still there because I could see myself like I was looking down on myself from above. I watched my son come home from school and find my lifeless body and I saw his reaction. It was literally like something from a movie. His life fast forwarded quickly throughout my dream and I saw him growing up without me and always wondering why I chose to abandon him. The next morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t do what I had been doing this whole time anymore. I made the decision to let go of the guy that I was dating and thought I had been in love with for six years when in reality we hadn’t been in love for quite some time. The day that I told him to leave, it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I literally instantly felt so much better.

When I first heard that song and actually listened to the words and realized what was going on in the song I became incredibly curious. I used my Shazam app to find out the title of the song and I initially thought that a phone number couldn’t be right but then I looked it up and sure enough it was the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and it made so much sense. The words of the song made so much more sense now. I could relate to it, every single word, because in the beginning I wanted to die, I felt like I had no other choices left. But then after having that dream and realizing what it would do to my son, I wanted to live if not for anyone else, even myself, at least for him. Since I broke up with my ex, my entire world has changed. I get along better with the people in my life who stuck by me even though I tried to push them away.

So for many, this is merely a song made famous by an artist but for others it really is a step up and a lifeline for many who need it.

I know I did.

helicopter parents

So I have this small problem where I'll sit down to read one of these crazy articles that's shared through Facebook and I won't move for two days! You know what I'm talking about. Those shares that are titled something like "20 people who share the worst thing they've said to someone," or something along those lines.

The most recent one I was going through was titled "22 teachers reveal the worst cases of helicopter parents they ever had to deal with." Let me just say, there are some CRAZY people in this world! Don't get me wrong, I have contacted my sons teachers when I had concerns about his behavior, grades, absences that I know weren't him skipping because he was home with me, etc. However, I don't think I've ever come across as a helicopter parent. I have genuine concerns and as far as making contact, I would literally gather up all the things I'd been meaning to talk to his teacher(s) about and maybe contact them once a month with my concerns unless it was something that had to be handled immediately. My kid is actually a pretty good kid, but he's lazy so obviously grades are our number one issue. I've never been one of those parents however, to blame the teacher for my child getting bad grades. If he got a 70 then he most likely deserved it because he was too lazy to put forth any effort on the assignment. My concerns are usually things like, "how is this going to affect his final grade" or "I see a few zeroes for days he was absent so did he not pick up the makeup work or what's going on?" Things like that…

Reading the things that teachers had to say however, actually concerned me quite a bit. We are now living in a generation of brats who think they're entitled to anything and everything they want, that they are special, and the worst part is, their parents who were definitely raised in a different time and manner, are supporting their attitudes! I don't get it! Why would you allow your child to think that way? You're only crippling them! No one disciplines their children anymore. No one holds them accountable for their actions, or in some cases, lack of actions. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I was raised to be responsible for my actions. I expect the same from my son. He's 15-years-old and he knows that if he screws up there will be consequences. I refuse to raise him in a fashion that would only cause him certain failure in his adult life. One day there won't be anyone there to pick up his messes, get him out of trouble and basically be his backbone and shoulder. At some point he will have to do it alone. He knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, drive and perform CPR as well as minor bandaging and nursing care due to my taking care of two ailing parents since my son was 4 years old. Yes, he's lazy in school and no I don't demand straight A's but I do demand he pass and by his school standards that's a 60. He knows I expect more of him than that. I demand at least 80's and while he could work harder, he does meet those expectations. I help him with his homework when he needs it but I refuse to do it for him. Again, I am not a perfect parent and my parents weren't perfect either, but they didn't raise me to believe the world owed me a damn thing and that's exactly how I'm raising my son.

Please, if you value your own future, stop raising and stop helping to raise, a world of self-entitled brats who think someone will always be there to coddle them!

I am an asshole

So, it was brought to my attention today that I am a soulless and heartless asshole. Well ok, that's one opinion. Maybe I am in some areas. Maybe I am when I've been there and can see situations for what they are. However, just because I don't share your opinion, that does not qualify me as an asshole. That means I am a person with my own thoughts and I express them, same as you.

I have been through a LOT in my almost 35 years on earth, most of which has occurred in the last 15 years alone. I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive household until I was a teenager and one day it just stopped. I feel like both of my parents just quit caring. I of course followed the path and ended up in several mentally and emotionally abusive relationships myself. I managed to avoid the physically abusive aspects, plus they've all known I would kill them if they laid a hand on me in a physical fashion. I would love to blame the men for the pain I suffered. The truth is, I have to start by looking in the mirror. I kept picking those guys. I kept getting into relationships with the same type of men and I chose to stay the duration I did with each of them. They didn’t force me. No one did. I accept responsibility for what.

At what point do we become accountable for our own actions? When we’re teenagers and most certainly know right from wrong, or at least should? Is it when we turn 18 and are legally considered adults? At 18 a whole new world opens up. We can vote, join the military, get married without parental permission, get tattoos, and a slew of other things.

I was called an asshole today because I called a 19 year old out on her choice to marry a man who already made her feel like shit from the moment they began dating. Long story short, this man is 8 years older than she is, and when they began dating, while she was 17, he was still hooked on and basically stalking his most recent ex-girlfriend. He would tell his new girlfriend all about her and how his ex did certain things better than she, as well as how much more attractive she was than the current. Straying from my adulthood point earlier, yes, I realize that she was only 17 but whoopty doo. Unless she was raised in a bubble, which she stated she was not, she knew that there was something wrong with his behavior and she chose to marry him anyway. Then she got on a Facebook group and proceeded to ask everyone what she should do about it. So I told her the truth, either speak to him and let him know how she feels, or leave before it gets worse. If it hasn't changed in two years, it certainly won't now that they are married. I was then bashed by hundreds of people telling me I was soulless and heartless, bashing a child like that. A child???? Who legally married someone without needing parental consent? Call me an asshole if you will for not agreeing with the majority, but she's no longer a child, wasn't raised in a bubble, and made the decision to get married, on her own, to a man who treated her like garbage from day 1.

I guess today I'll be an asshole. Oh well!

I had an epiphany!

Today I had an epiphany. 

I have always been an advocate for the whole “your childhood doesn’t determine who you are, because even if it sucks, you can use that and come out as a better adult.” 

My epiphany today is that I am a total hypocrite. I have been in several relationships over the last 10 years that have always been mentally and emotionally abusive. I have let men treat me however they want to and get away with it because I felt like I was doing the right thing by staying and trying to make it work and trying to make them happy. I don’t necessarily want to blame my parents for this because yes, I could’ve come out stronger and walked away every time when things got bad, but these are the types of relationships that I was conditioned for as a child. My parents never got divorced, even if they definitely should have. For years, I watched my father physically abuse my mother until one day that just stopped. However, he was always mentally and emotionally abusive and that never really stopped until she got sick and then passed away. He would get angry and throw things. He would degrade her for not making a better dinner. I can't count how many times I cleaned food out of carpet. Mashed potatoes and rice were the worst!

My mom stayed though, because of us, her children. I haven’t had any children with the men that I have been in relationships with but I do have a son by someone I was having a sexual relationship with and I think that I always tried hard to make it work in my other relationships so that he would have a father figure around. But what have I taught him really? He’s 15 and soon he’ll be on his own, but he’s already dating and I worry. A lot. He tells me that he’s fine and that me being with these men has just made him realize what kind of man he doesn’t want to ever grow up to be but in reality, will he turn out to be the same type of man? Will he put a woman down even when she’s trying? Will he lie to her constantly so that he can go do what he wants to do? Will she sit at home feeling reassured that he’s not out doing something stupid when in actuality he really is? Will he break a woman to the point of losing her, or worse, she loses herself? I worry about the same things with women doing this to him, but I worry more that as much as he wants to distance himself from this type of behavior, that he'll turn out just like them. I always said I would never grow up to be like my mom, as we all do at some point, but I am turning into her. I'm already like her in so many ways. This isn't always a bad thing as my mother was an amazing woman, but I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve because I feel like I can't do it on my own. Staying single is definitely helping with that!

Gizmo’s One!

To be honest, I’ve always grown up with a pet of some sort. I’ve never been a crazy pet mom though. You now the type. The ones who dress up their animals or bake them their own birthday cake. However, something has happened to me in adulthood and I’ve turned into that type of pet parent. Gizmo makes it so easy! He’s so fun but easy going too. He lets me put shirts on him and he wears them with pride! He’s incredibly spoiled and has me wrapped around his paw!

Today is his FIRST birthday! I got him when he was 9 and 1/2 weeks old and he’s brought me more joy and love than I thought imaginable from a fur baby. He helped me through a serious addiction, two breakups (one of which was the end of a 6.5 year relationship) and some serious depression. He’s made me get out of bed and get moving and he’s brightened far too many dark days. So of COURSE I have to celebrate his birthday!

I didn't get to go all out like I wanted to, however, he got to go for a super long ride in the car, some special treats and new clothes!

Look how tiny he was when I got him compared to now! He's still my itty bitty baby though and will not grow anymore so I will forever have an itty bitty baby to love on!

July 1, 2017 - day of adoption!

30 Days of Lists - March 2018

I have no clue why I participate in 30 Days of Lists every year because I never get it finished ON TIME, but yet, I do it. Every. Single. Time.

Anyway, here’s my 30 Days of Lists for March 2018.

Day 1 - I want to be...

   - Stronger

   - Healthier

   - Peaceful

   - Sweeter

   - Hopeful

Day 2 - I see myself in these fictional characters

   - Eeyore

   - Hester Prynne

   - Jane Eyre

   - Janie Crawford

   - Jo March

Day 3 - My anthems

   - Bad at Love – Halsey

   - Castle – Halsey

   - Explosions – Ellie Goulding

   - Fall Down or Fly – Lindi Ortega

   - Gasoline – Halsey

   - Not Ready to Make Nice – Dixie Chicks

   - Bottle & My Bible – Highway 55

Day 4 - Tips for getting started with…a new week

   - Write down plans for upcoming week

   - Meal plan if you do that

   - Make note of appointments

   - Make list of calls to make, shopping, general to do’s

   - Go to bed Early!

Day 5 - Ways in which I would like to grow this year

   - Spiritually

   - Photography skills

   - Self love

   - Being more mindful

   - Less procrastinating

   - Learn to eat healthier

Day 6 - The emoji’s I use the most

   - 😂

   - 😳

   - ❤

️️   - 😝

   - 😑

   - 💕

   - 😉

   - 😘

   - 🙄

   - 🤦‍♀️

   - 🤷

Day 7 - I feel powerful when

   - I'm proven right

   - I finally finish something

   - I'm slamming the mom game

   - I dress nice

   - I go to church

Day 8 - Things other people love that I don't get

   - professional sports

   - scrapbooking

   - cleaning

   - any mayonnaise but Dukes

   - exercise

   - huge houses (see cleaning!)

Day 9 - Ways to nurture myself

   - mani/pedi

   - rest

   - mind games/puzzles

   - writing to Soldiers

   - hot showers

Day 10 - My favorite local businesses

   - Artisans Center

   - Sweet Dreams, Sewn Seams & Jelli Beans

   - Williams Seafood

   - Dukes BBQ

   - Old Bank Christmas & Gifts

Day 11 - Things to do every weekend

   - rest

   - alcohol

   - grocery shopping

Day 12 - ___ is my cardio

   - SEX

Day 13 - Things I believed as a child

   - love can last forever

   - there's a prince charming for me

Day 14 - Home is where...

   - I never get peace

   - but it's really where my heart is

Day 15 - Things I learned recently

   - you have to give and take

   - to bite my tongue more

   - it's ok to ask for help

   - sometimes you HAVE to put yourself first

Day 16 - Every time I go to WALMART, I buy...

   - way too much crap that we don't really need

   - something Keegan bugs me for

Day 17 - My freezer essentials

   - toaster strudels

   - beef

   - french fries

   - easy breakfast stuff

Day 18 - Things that make my life easier

   - cell phone

   - computer

   - being a SAHM right now

   - my car

   - my bullet journal

Day 19 - At the end of a long day, all I want is...

   - a hot shower

   - my bed

Day 20 - The best parts of Spring

   - rainstorms

   - flowers blooming

   - flip flops and shorts

Day 21 - Back in my day...

   - dial up internet

   - corded car phones

   - PAPER encyclopedias

Day 22 - My favorite plants

   - hydrangeas

   - orchids

Day 23 - Advice to ignore

   - don't quit (sometimes you have to)

   - follow your heart (it's not always right)

   - don't worry (clearly people don't know me that well)

Day 24 - Little things I am enjoying today

   - sleeping in

   - beautiful weather

Day 25 - Best news this week/month

   - Spring Break is next week!

   - paid the bills and actually had money left over

Day 26 - I would like a refresh on:

   - ADULTHOOD!

Day 27 - Favorite movie lines

   - cow...another cow...I think it's the same cow

   - I honestly don't have many favorite quotes.....

Day 28 - I am saving for...

   - saving? what the heck is that!?!?!?!?!

Day 29 - Unfinished projects I want to complete this year

   - my front porch

   - redoing the handicap ramp

   - finish the master bathroom remodel

   - new kitchen sink

   - set up my craft area

Day 30 - Before bed tonight, I will...

   - work on next month's budget, planning, etc.