Where the hell was I going with this?

The problem with writing every.single.day. or using writing prompts is that inevitably you're going to repeat yourself, unless of course you're one of those amazing awesome mommy bloggers (of which I am not) that talk about real shit all day, like something their lifesuckers (you like that? thank Baby Sideburns, her blog is awesome) have done that's insane, or how they wish they had something to talk about and still manage to make it sound amazing. Again, I am not one of these people. I wish I were. I wish I could say things to make people laugh and want to read what I write. I wish I could have followers. Alas, I do not though and so I guess I'm writing this just for me. I'm ok with this though. It's a record for me. Things for me to look back on. Things for my son to see about his mom. If he reads the good stuff, great. If he reads bad stuff, then even better because he'll know that I was not perfect and never claimed to be. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I've never tried to do the mommy blog thing is because I can't commit and I'm somewhat negative. I tend to start projects and never finish. I tend to count the negatives in my life, not the positives. I've become bitter and self righteous because of it. I'm unhappy in my life and I know it. Everyone knows it! I want to be happy though. I really do. I want to be more peppy and have more friends and be more outgoing and talk to the other moms on the football field or the basketball court. I want to join the crowd while we watch our kids play. I want to be called up and asked if I want to have lunch or go out for drinks on a Friday night. In order for that to happen though, I think it's going to be me that has to make a change. I have to put myself out there. I have to stop hiding in a hole. I have to be more positive. On that note, being happy, being grateful... here are a few things I know I should be grateful for and I don't show it enough.

1. Keegan (sometimes I push him to the TV or game or to friends because I just want to play on the computer or sleep. This is what my mother did and I always felt like I didn't matter.)

2. Not having to work. (I hate taking care of dad some times because he's stubborn. we're more alike than I want to admit which makes it difficult. but it makes it easier to take Keegan to practices and get dad to and from doctors without worrying about missing work.)

3. Not having many bills. (this comes with the not having to work but it's separate. you can have a job but have little to no bills, it's called being financially stable, but I am 30 with a car and a cell phone and other needs but luckily nothing serious that requires me to need a job which would land dad in a home or with a paid caregiver that we can't afford.)

Sadly that's all I can think of today... I mean, when I first started typing this, I had a list a mile long and I swear as soon as I started putting words on paper, or on the computer rather, my mind just went poof, blank, nothing, nada. RIDICULOUS. I really wish I had some kind of lead I could attach to my head that would read my thoughts and type them up for me. Seriously. I'd have a LOT to say then!