Soooooo, I follow several parenting blogs, but 99.9% of them are women like myself (and some men bloggers too, who parent like I do). They tell the truth, or at least the truth about their lives with their families. They don't sugar coat ANYTHING and hold nothing back. They are what I call the REAL-WORLD parents. No, this doesn't mean that I think the happy and seemingly perfect families and parents aren't real, but seriously, I relate to these blunt parents sooooo much more! The ones who don't pretend life is always perfect and that there are no bad or moody depressing moments. The ones who will be honest about wanting to down a bottle of wine for breakfast and hide in the bathroom or closet for 5 minutes (or hours) of peace.
I realize I only have one kid, so people think I should have it easy (they've said so to my face and behind my back, cowards who are too scared to say it to my face), but there's nothing easy about being a parent. Being a parent means that you are responsible for the life of another person, every.single.day. It's your responsibility to keep them alive, relatively happy and healthy while trying to keep yourself in the same condition so that you CAN provide for that person, or persons, whether you have one child or eight! Add to that being a full-time caregiver for a sick family member and being a girlfriend who apparently spends a lot of time talking to herself and one can end up with quite the shit show. There are GREAT days, mediocre days and horrible days. It's all a part of life.
I don't write this for pity. I don't write this for anyone to feel bad for me or console me. I made all the choices in my life that have landed me where I am, but sometimes you just have to get it out. Whether it be written word, spoken word, hitting a punching bag, going for a walk, having a BOTTLE of wine before bed, etc. Whatever works!
Back to my point though, I love these particular blogs because they make me laugh, cry, get angry and many other emotions, but that’s because in reading their posts, I realize I'm really not alone despite how I feel sometimes, especially when I see so many happy shiny moments from friends on Facebook and other social media. I have however, come to realize that most people only post the happy moments. Not because they are ashamed of the not so happy moments, but because they often fear being judged and ridiculed.
I recently read a blog post by Lola Lolita, that focused on discipline, or rather, people judging parents about supposed lack of discipline. She vents about how other parents love to claim their kids would never behave a certain way, or they never did behave a certain way. My personal opinion, not hers, is that these people are on severely strong medication and they are in denial about how their children REALLY are or were. No one, and I mean no one has absolutely perfect children. A person can indeed have REALLY well-behaved children, however, children ALWAYS screw up somewhere at some point. Plain and simple. Especially if they are surrounded by other children, whether they are siblings, cousins, or kids at daycare, school, the park, etc. It’s a FACT OF LIFE. Back to the point, the blog post. She continues to talk about how very different her three children are, for many reasons. She has one child with high anxiety, one with a brain injury and one who is learning his own independence, and most importantly, THEY ARE CHILDREN. They are all learning who they are, have different needs and have a willpower that could surpass any adults, any day.
I know from experience. I only have ONE child and man is he a very independent 13-year-old and always has been. He tested his boundaries daily and still does. He is and was learning who he is and his limits. I hate this woman feels like she has to defend herself to those who judge her methods but unfortunately, that’s the world we live in now. Everyone judges everyone for every little thing. Everyone has an opinion, which isn’t a bad thing, but not every opinion needs to be expressed, especially when it has nothing to do with you or your life.
My favorite part of her post however, was the last little bit.
She says:
“In short, don’t be a dick. Parenting is hard enough as it is. Instead of rushing to judgment, try empathizing and finding the humor in the shit show. Camaraderie is so much more pleasant than pitting ourselves against one another.
We’re all in the parental trenches together. Let’s try to help each other out rather than sinking one another into the pit further."
THIS IS GOLD, PURE GOLD! We spend so much time judging others’ parenting methods that we tend to forget how much it can suck in our own home or out in public when our child misbehaves. Maybe that’s actually the point of judging others. When we judge others, it makes us feel better about how crappy a situation may be in our life and we focus on others’ behavior because it makes us feel better about our own insecurities, failures, poor choices, or just a rough patch we’re going through at the time. When people judge us, openly, in any fashion that we can witness it, we tend to think we're doing something wrong as parents, or we feel like they’re making us look bad, like we can’t control this little person half our size who to others seem easily controlled by a shout, or a pop on the bottom. The truth is, all children ARE different. Children can be born with the same DNA and makeup of their parents, but none of them, and I mean none of them, are exactly alike and one method of discipline or even a reward system may work for one child but not for another. I have many friends with multiple children who are nothing like each other. For instance, one child may be into sports and outdoor fun while the other may be super into technology. If the outdoorsy child gets in trouble, a spanking or being sent to their room might be a beneficial punishment but this won’t work for the other unless you also take away their lifeline, the tablet, phone, computer, whatever it is during that phase. Oftentimes kids get used to a punishment and it’s no longer going to work.
My son for example, is in love with his phone and used to be in love with his Xbox. Because spanking him became a funny thing for him since he’s taller and more muscular than me, we began taking away his Xbox first because it was his love long before the phone was. After a while when he’d get in trouble and we’d sit down to talk to him, his response would be something along the lines of “I’m sorry, how long is my Xbox gone for?” At this point we knew this was no longer working because he didn’t seem to care if he didn’t have it anymore. Then it was the phone. At the moment, he is a very social child and likes to spend every free minute with his best friend so now the punishment is grounding to the house, no company and no phone or any other form of communication with his friends during that time frame unless it’s at school, during the school year. This one so far has lasted longer than the rest because he’s 13 and doesn’t want to be trapped inside the house while his friends are out doing things and having fun. Don’t get me wrong, my child isn’t a hellion by any means. He doesn’t throw fits. He doesn’t do too many stupid things, he doesn’t fight or talk back to teachers and he usually does what he’s told. He just has a smart mouth and as far as that USUALLY doing what he’s told, sometimes requires multiple reminders. When he’s confronted about things, he catches an attitude before he realizes it’s coming out of his mouth. He gets that from me and we’re working on it together as I don’t want him to be a terrible adult one day! His smart mouth, poor grades and failing to do his few chores are usually what gets him in trouble.
My point is, discipline comes in many forms, just like children do. One method doesn’t always work and the form of discipline MUST change as the child grows and changes, as well as the way the world changes with how other people are, new technology always coming out, new crazy phrases, dances, fads, etc.
I’d also like to point out that in a previous paragraph, I said we because I've caught myself too many times watching a child throw a tantrum in a store and I thought to myself, "if he/she were my child, they'd have a nice ass cutting and would be sitting in the buggy for the rest of the shopping trip, I don’t care how old they are." There have also been many times where I’ve seen the parents doing absolutely nothing, letting the child do what they want, or watching a teenager smart mouth their parent in public and I’ve said something to set them straight. That wasn’t my place, and the truth is, I had no idea why those kids were behaving the way they were. I don’t know if the children suffered from mental illness, malnutrition, poor parenting, lack of love, whatever. I also had no idea what kind of day, week, month, however long, that family was having. They could have just lost a family member, adopted a new child that was used to poor foster parents or abusive biological parents, lost a job recently, or were getting a divorce. The truth is, I just had no idea and it probably wasn’t my place to step in.
I may not have stepped in myself, but I was thrust into situations many times where I DID have to take control when someones kid was being an ass, especially when my friends and I would all get together and hang out. Several of them failed to do anything about their kids, which in that case, I totally blame on the parents. When you do what you want when you want and allow your children to do the same without ANY try at all to set them on a better path, you are to blame. However, when we were there, my son was always well behaved. He does extremely well in public, so at least I have that going for me! He was also the oldest of all the children so he’d try to keep them busy and having fun while the adults were having their time. If they got out of hand, my son would come get one of us but the parent would just say something like “tell him to stop that.” One in particular had children who would physically hit her and yell at her. On one occasion that we were all together, her child, smaller than mine, much smaller, punched my kid in the face and hit him with a television remote in the head, causing a bleed. I walked in the house and told her if she wasn't going to do anything, I would because that’s uncalled for regardless of who’s child he had hit. She just shrugged her shoulders at me. My son refused to hit him back because he was smaller than him. I turned the child around, popped his behind and told him if I caught him doing that again I would wear him out. He ran outside to tell his mother and she merely said, “well I guess you better listen to what she said.” Those types of parents, I still don’t feel like I have the right to judge, but I do believe they get whatever comes to them in regard to their kids in the present and in the future, because they failed to parent, at all! I mostly feel bad for those children though.
The biggest thing I want for anyone who reads this post, if anyone does, is to understand that there are MANY reasons while children may be lacking manners and good behavior in public. Unless you know for a fact what’s going on, keep your nose out of it. If you HAVE to say something, merely say “we’ve all been there and we understand.” This can mean so much to a parent struggling for whatever reason. Also, even if you know what’s going on, unless you’re going to say something reassuring and possibly offer POSITIVE help, then keep your damn mouth shut!
